Wednesday, September 2, 2009

!Yo Quiero Taco Salad!

Yo Quiero Taco Salad!!! I am going to make taco salad tonight. A couple of pounds of ground turkey, which I will brown and add just the right amount of taco seasoning to. Grab some of those hot peppers from my garden of potted plants ...."ooohh CALIENTE"!! Shredd up some green leaf lettuce because after all who really loves iceberg lettuce anyway??? Give me the greenest, most vitamin packed lettuce any day. Of course we need some tomatoes, salsa, and cheddar (Shredded, and perferably Vermont). With all of these yummy ingredience who is really going to miss the tortilla? Not us.

Okay so let me hit the spicy and dicy subject of social axiety. If I were a dictionary I would define social anxiety as such:

Social Anxiety - SO Sh il Ang ZI Et EE the fear of being out of your comfort zone.

A prison withing ones self.

A panic caused by removing ones self from their home to perform daily duties.

No longer living without fear of others.

     That is social anxiety to me. I have been living this way since.... oh since I had my children. Driving anywhere with them in the car put me on edge. What if I got into an accident?? What do they need if they are crying in the back seat?? What if I can't give them that bottle, what if the pacifier is no longer pacifing my wee one? HOW LONG WILL THIS CRYING GO ON??? How can I make it stop? .... Ahhh you get the picture.  It became frightening and escalated this year to a point that could have cost me (later on down the road) my marriage.  Thank goodness I have the husband I do.  One day out of the blue he said "Wen we need to talk".  Not words any spouse likes to hear because we all know what that means.  Troubles a brewing.  Now unlike the Cheyanne pepper I used tonight when making my salsa our conversation was not heated.  It was gentle and kind.  He said "I am starting to resent you".  I know it sounds bad but it really wasn't.   It was real, and honest.  He said this because he was feeling trapped in my prison of not leaving the house.  I didn't want to and couldn't go anywhere without my heart pounding, and feeling like I couldn't breath.  Patience was out the window.  All of the things that the kids did seemed so loud like kettle drums next to my ears and I was snappy.... and my poor sweet kids.... their little faces looked sad.  I wasn't fun to be around.  Going to stores or the beach was the worst.  In the stores I had to control the cart just so I had something to do to make it a job.  It felt better if I was in control of something.  The ocean was a no go.  People, People and more people.  Why wouldn't they go some place else?  Some place where I wasn't?  Home.  That was where I was safe.  Just my husband, kids and me.  No one to judge me, take up my space or bump into.  Just my security blanket of a little family. 

     After Chad, being as brave as he could be, told me how he felt I realized my anxity was taking over my life and stealing it away from me.  I was not going to let this happen.  I spoke to my wonderful Therapist who in turn put me on some medication.  It worked wonderfully right away.  I followed the directions to a "T".  What the  "T" stands for I do not know.  I just have always been told to follow it to the "T" and you are doing it right.  So if you know what it means let me know.  Anyway take 1 1/2 pills in the a.m. and in the p.m. for 3 days.  Then 2 pills morning and night for 4 days until finally up to 3 pills morn and night.  Well unfortuately I am super sensitive to medication.  I began taking the 2 pills and my memory went out the window and confusion beyond belief kicked in.  I couldn't tell you what I had done 1/2 hour ago let alone what I did with what I had in my hand 5 seconds ago.  Oh and here is where the Caliente appys to this blogg.... Oh my... the HOT FLASHES.  I would have thought I was going through menopause if I weren't as young as I am. YES 37 is still young!!!!  I talked to my therapist about this and he said to wean myself back down on the anxiety meds.  So back down to 1 1/2 pills morn and night and doing much better.  Funny what a little half of a pill more can do to some people.  Hence why we should follow our meds directions to the letter (maybe thats what that pesky "T" means). 

     I am not afraid to go out anymore.  I want to be out now.  Take me to the office, store, the ocean anywhere just get me out of the house for a little while.  Thank God for my husband for feeling free enough to be honest with me and save me.  I shutter to think of what I would become.  Thank goodness to that he decided to free me from having to cook tonight.  This evening he is the chef.  and me?  I will be the sous chef.  I can't help it I love to cook especially if it is SPICY just as life should be.  Aye?

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