Donut have time to blog.

Well sorry I missed blogging yesturday but I really wanted to open a booth at the local farmers market that is, well... non existant. Oh it is there just I was the only booth today. I had made tons of donuts. Chocolate, Chocolate with glaze, plain (old fashion) and powdered. I sold almost all of them. People at McDonalds heard I was selling them and I sold about 10 bags to them at least; So that was really great. I maybe willing to do it again next week but we will see. I was still a good girl though. I ate only 2 donut holes.

So are you waiting for a recipe? Well I bought some shrimp the other night. I really was craving it. Put it in a sautee Pan and Cooked them with some garlic and Thai Sweet Chili sauce. I carmelized it. I set myself up a plate of green leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, and carrots. Topped with the shrimp and drizzled a little more thai chili sauce on top in place of the salad dressing.

So I had an appointment with my therapist yesturday. I have made great progress is what he reported to me. Good for me right. I am feeling much better. He is proud of me. I like that. Why does it matter? When I think about it I really don't know. Does it really matter whether or not people are proud of me? This is where I am schizo- A part of me (the huge part) says it matters. Try harder. They aren't likeing you yet, better keep tring. Keep going. Bulldoze your way to their approval. Then there is that itty bitty side that says "Wendy WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Let it go, it's not worth it. Will you feel better with their approval? really? Guess which side of me usually wins. That ugly side that always gets me into trouble and yet keeps me out of trouble. I know somehow that pleasing others is going to be a hard habit to break. I honestly don't know how to stop. Is it an addiction to need approval? Is it a security blanket? If I have approval than I am safe. I am not entirely sure but I think there is some truth to that statement. This seeking approval though is really heavy stuff. When I sit here and think about how it makes me feel... the tension, rapid and hard heart beat, and trapped. Trying so hard all the time; I realize how hard this must be on a child. No wonder I have always been afraid and put up walls. If I was having a hard time getting approval from those around me than why would I want the added pressure of more people to please? I had already been told I was too small, then my skin was too dry so lets feed wendy meat fat and this will help put oils in her system. (Yes this is a true statment made by a doctor to my Mother. I remember hating the fat. I was fed the fats off of steak and ham. I once was very skinny as a child. Some of you may have pics with me like that, Next thing I know I was fat. No wonder!! feed a kid meat fat and you are putting fat cells into there system. So the girl who once hated meat fat ended up aquiring the taste and in the end loved it. I never lost the weight), your too fat... time to diet, act this way, be quiet, no make up, no dating until your 16, curfew, no no NO!!! I was a good girl... I am a good girl. I am a woman, Yes, But still that girl. I still feel afraid. I am fraid of people, I am afraid everytime I see my kids act in a way that is child like. I wasn't allowed to act like that and I get nerved up. The noise, and excitement.... it is stressful to me. Somehow I just know that I need to get them to stop acting like this so they won't get into trouble. How do I do this? becoming cross and getting them to stop I am(deep down)sure I am saving them from a beating. Part of me is convinced and why wouldn't I be? I would have gotten that beating. I know because as I write this I feel this fear, this truth trying to show it's self just a little. An ache in my chest and throat, and finally, tears. I just don't know......
I am feeling better than I have in a long time............
but still I just don't know.....