Well I have some left over brown rice so it is time to yet again get my Mexican on. I really find that when it comes to low carb cooking somehow Mexican and chinese seem to be where I end up often going. There is just so much pizazz and flavor in there ethnic dishes; and lots of veggies. So I have gathered up an onion, a couple of Cheyenne peppers, a bell pepper, zucchini, kidney beans, garlic, taco spice, cilantro and ground turkey. I browned the ground turkey with the onion, garlic and both kinds of peppers. I added the rice and gave it time to heat up and then added the spices to taste. I cooked up the zucchini (which I chunked) in a separate pan. After I added it to the rice mixture with the kidney beans. I served up on a bed of lettuce with a little non-fat plain yogurt and some cheddar cheese. I made mine really hot with those 2 Cheyenne peppers. I like it spicy. Feel free to adjust recipe to your taste.
So here we go. You know that burn you get after you eat spicy food? Sometimes you sweat and pay for it for awhile. Well I have found this to be true not only in food but in relationships. The burning can be wonderful. That warm in your gut kind of a feeling. The kind of feeling I get when I am enjoying those funny moments or holidays with my children. When my son kisses me and moves my hair out of my face and tells me he loves me. When my daughter has achieved something I have taught her or when we go shopping and our bond shows. The kind I feel when my husband makes that cute little humming sound when he is really enjoying something I have cooked and when he gives me goosebumps. The warmth you feel when you can hear the clock tick or the smell of dandy lions or chocolate. The feeling I had today when I talked with my Mom and Sister on the web cam. Those things...those wonderful things that create the kind of warm feeling deep down that makes you smile not only on the outside but on the inside too. A content feeling. A peaceful place. Don't you love it.
Then you have those relationships that burn you so bad that they char your sole. I have been reminded of that kind of relationship again this week. Thing is, is I try to ignore it. I tell myself it isn't my problem. No matter though how I try to band-aid this issue the wound never seems to heal. Once again I have put myself in a dangerous place. I cared. I put myself out there. I tried too much to help someone and again was (after all of my efforts and offers to help) cast a side. I try to tell myself that this person can't help it. That this person because of her past is incapable to allow herself to be helped. That she needs to punish herself so she continues to surround herself by users, takers, and poison. I am afraid that this person may be drinking again or using drugs and maybe she knows I will notice. I do not know. I have tried to stay by her side and continue contact with her but there always seems to be an excuse to why it is never a good time. She pretends to be gone when she is home and no longer answers her phone. Now she is doing this to my kids. Her kids no longer come over as much. I am afraid for them too. So now what? I had to stop trying to contact her. I was just giving too much of myself. I hurt and am upset. I have always tried to be a kind and respectful person. My question for myself that I cannot seem to answer is when will I ever stop trying so hard? When will I learn? When will I start being even more cautious and just stop!!! How can I stop being me without hurting the values that were instilled in me and that I have instilled in my children? Do I surround myself with selfish people or am I supposed to be part of these peoples life. What am I supposed to learn or what are they learning? Doesn't this feeling just burn you up? Make you feel crappy? Not a happy content feeling at all. It is like being hit by a truck I am sure. Takes a long time to heal and never really get over the fear or the pain.
I walked four miles today with my husband and it helped. In those miles I had opportunity to hear myself talk and listen to the calm, kind and supportive words he had to say. It tired and mellowed me out. In the end I realize it is not so much her I am mad at as I am myself. I am mad, because although, I do have control of the situation I allowed myself to take it personally. For now I have chosen to turn my back and walk away until she is ready to come around. Respect for not only her space but also for mine. I need to learn where my danger zones are. Who I let into my heart and what I allow them to do with it. I need to show myself compassion and patience and treat myself as well as I would those that I choose to care for and help.
My lesson learned: Life can be a good spicy but be careful what you put into it because it could burn you in the ass on the way out.