Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Chinese Chicken Salad and the most dishonorable truth.

Chinese chicken salad is I think one of my very favorite salads. I love oriental dressing with all of its sweet tanginess over a leafy bed of greens. I use marinated chicken which I make up ahead of time in a bulk quantity. I do this so I can pre-measure and freeze it so it is ready at a moments notice. Then I love, love, LOVE CRAISINS, soy beans, almonds and/or soy nuts, chicken and those little dried Chinese noodle things. It is so yummy. (Mandarin oranges are great too on it but I don't have any of those today.)

So now to the "dishonorable truth". My truth. My secrets that I hid. Ones I am sure most women and a few men can relate too. I (no mincing words now.... and putting on a very brave front being this honest) was molested a couple of times. I was young enough the first time too not feel like a victim. I didn't realize it was bad. I really though it was okay. Why not? Many of my other friends had the same thing happening to them with this man. It seemed normal. He had a horse. Maybe few of you know who I mean. To ride this horse you had to french kiss this man. It was icky but hey the horse was worth it. Then a feel up here and a feel up there. I am sure this old man was starving for some womanly attention at his age and little girls were an easy target. Once the feel up wasn't enough on the outside of the clothes well then he moved on to the inside of the shorts and shirt. I think that is when I realized it wasn't okay. I stopped going. The sad part is I really wanted him to love me because wasn't that what kissing meant? Boy friend and girl friend up in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G first comes LOVE. Love I am sure wasn't really what was on his mind. He wasn't supposed to do this to us. Many girls wrote there names on the stable wall and I am sure each one, in one way shape or form he touch inappropriately. I am also sure that after all of these years they are not talking about it either. The second time I was way older. I was in high school and was asked by my father to take an envelope over to his friends. There he was alone in the living room and his sweet unsuspecting wife in the next room. I gave him the envelope and as I turned to leave he grabbed me from behind and started humping. He reached his hands to the lower front of me and began rubbing and telling me how much I like it and wanted more. I quietly fought him off and left rather quickly. Who did he think he was? He was supposed to be a friend of the family. I never went back. I never told my parents. They would never believe me anyway. This man they knew longer than they knew me. He was a pig. He is dead. They both are now. By now his wife knows, because I am sure in Heaven you have to come clean right? He had grandchildren my age they were my friends. Did he touch his Granddaughters wrong? I finally did tell my mother. Funny her response wasn't that she didn't believe me. I actually will not tell her response because I am sure had she really heard me clearly and understood what this had done it may have been different. I was hurt and then again I was not expecting too much different. Hoping but no....

I think sometimes it has been easy for me to be fat so no one would look at me. Why would I want them too. I have never felt beautiful. In the words of my father "you may not be my prettiest child but you are most beautiful on the inside". Great compliment Dad!!! it was always you would look great in that if you would just loose a few pounds. Why???? so I could have that skinny waist with those huge boobs I used to have?? As it was men always looked there anyway instead of in my eyes. Yeah, those jugs are gone now. Cut those suckers off. Best thing I ever did. Not really... best thing I ever did for myself was trusting and allowing my husband in my world. No matter how big I got ...he has always made me a queen. He has never pushed me in the sex department. Even though the dry spell had lasted months. He allowed me to feel what I needed to feel and do things in my own time.

We started teaching our children at a very young age about good touch and bad touch. Good thing we did. When Kylann was 4 she came to me tell me that her and a certain man had a secret. She, after much coaxing told me. He had french kissed her. She was convinced that he was her boyfriend and that they were going to get married. Funny the same things I though. She was too young to know it was wrong. This man was sent away. He has some mental issues and is now no longer allowed to be around children. I never wanted her too feel like she was a victim so we told her she was a hero and saved other children. We explained that he knew better and that is why it was a secret. She feels like a hero and remembers it to this day. What she remembers is saving other children from being touched wrong and she feels powerful. I wish I had felt brave enough as a child to tell my parents. I may have been a hero too. I may have saved all of those other girls. Now always underlying guilt and shame deep within. Then again I did save Kylann. Maybe I am a hero. Maybe....

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