Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Getting Creative

Well I fully intended on making Mac Nut Mahi for dinner, however my nuts are MIA and now I have to pull some creativity out of me and create a dinner with the few ingredience I have left. We have already begun moving some of the kitchen stuff so a lot isn't here. So let me see I have Broccoli, garlic, parm cheese, crackers,some spices, tomatoes, and potatoes and some oils. Well that is definetly plenty. I think I will create a Broccoli and Herb encrusted Mahi. So this is what I will do. I have 5 perfectly portioned pieces of Mahi Mahi. I am putting them into a sprayed casserole pan. Now I am taking the broccoli and mincing up just the crowns. maybe about 1/2 cup. Now take the garlic and mince it up... just a clove. Now sprinkle the Broccoli, and the garlic on to the fish. Add a sprinkle of salt and pepper across the top of that. Now I am taking my crackers which I have 12 of and I am crumbling it over the top of the broccoli covered fish. A little fresh Rosemary and a spray of pam cooking spray on top and wow it looks like it is going to be great!!! Into the oven that I had preheated to 350 and bake for about 35 minutes. Now for the side dish. I have some potatoes, tomatoes and lettuce. I will cook my potatoes that I have chunked up in the mircrowave for about 7 minutes. By the way I cut up about 4 cups of potatoes and added some fresh Rosemary to cook with it. Once it came out of the microwave I added salt and pepper to taste, some fresh garlic, and put it in the refridgerator to cool. OOOHHH that fish is smelling good. I am sooo excited. Now that my fish is done. I have set it aside to cool while I finish up the side dish. So out comes the potatoes from the fridge and I am adding some Italian dressing, about 7 cherry tomatoes I have cut up into quarters and now stir. I am making a bed of lettuce to lay the potatoe salad on (by the way I have decided to name this Red, White and Blue potato and tomato salad) and then I put just a slight sprinkle of parm cheese on that. Now plate up the Mahi and just a squeeze of fresh lemon over that and wow it looks great, but it isn't really the look that counts now is it so let me taste. OMG... try this you will love it. It is fabulous. Remember if you cannot get Mahi the other fish you can use as substitues are: Haddock, orange roughy, Talapia, and even Codd.

Getting creative comes natural to me in the kitchen and when it comes to keeping secrets. I am thankful not to be carrying them around with me anymore. I still choose to harbor a few and will forever but they are mine and some still too embarassing to deal with and are not really worth dealing with for now. I am sure many people have atleast one of those. I am okay with it and the weight of all my secrets do not seem as heavy as they used to. It seems funny to me all of the secrets that we choose to keep though. I mean back when our parents were growing up look at how much was just filed away. Like my father for instance. His biological Mother was sent away when she was pregnant for him. It was a secret. It still is a secret. You didn't talk about depression or anxieties back then because it must mean you are crazy. Wonderful that now we can have children out of wedlock and we are still for the most part excepted, and we can have our issues and not get locked up for them. Everything for me when I was growing up was a secret. If you remember me back then well I guess you know part of the reason why I was so quiet. I was afraid to talk or say something that may hurt my parents business. We had to be picture perfect and squeaky clean. No make up, No boy friends, No going to places like CG's because it would give me a bad name, so much to be afraid of. My first boyfriend from Calais was a secret. I couldn't let my parents know. The rule was no dating until you are 16 and he had to be approved. My parents would have never approved of Andy. He was a rebel. Loved rock n roll, wore ripped jeans, had long hair and talked dirty. He made my heart fludder... everything I hope my daughter doesn't bring home. That lasted until school and we seldom saw each other after and another boy from my school was catching my eye. This boy was nice, a hard worker, a year older and my parents liked him. Dating Maurice was easy. why? No secrets... it was much better and I didn't have to make up a lie to see him. He ended up being my first real love. Funny how we don't talk anymore really (not because we dislike each other but more because of circumstances) how much we both have changed. Nothing really left in common. Sometimes I miss his friendship but maybe for him it is more comfortable that way. I guess what I am saying is that I feel he doesn't miss mine, and I hate being accused of still having feeling for him when I haven't seen him in years. Finally the Love of my life, Chad. I had a crush on him for so long, and the funny thing is I still do. No secret to anyone. Anyway a little off track here going down memory lane.
What I really am trying to say is life is way easier with out having to watch ever step you make or worry about what can or cannot come out of your mouth. Secrets I suppose are for those who have little to no self esteem. I am not perfect. My family is not perfect but no one is perfect. I had a child friend who stopped being my friend because he thought my family was perfect. Oh if he only knew. There is only 1 thing I have asked my kids to keep a secret only to spare them from being picked at. A lot of people would not understand. This secret for us is a happy and safe secret. we look forward to it. That is all I will say about it unless I choose to tell you in person it is ours to keep. I think secrets are okay as long as they are like, hum, GIFTS. This secret is a gift. A wonderful gift. This gift of a secret gives them self esteem and allowes them to look at their world as shapes, like our bodies for example. well I feel as if I am rambling and I am sure I have made my point. Most secrets heavy and not good, some secrets wonderful and such gifts. Just have to be smart enough to know one from the other and how to unload the crappy ones.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Good Ol' Fashion Oatmeal

This morning and accually the last few mornings I have finally found a love for oatmeal. I hated it when I was little and to be honest have never really have given it a chance to grow on me. My Mother; gotta love her; was not a wonderful cook when I was growing up. Her oatmeal was bland and that is what I always thought oatmeal tasted like. She is a much better cook now that she has learned to keep it simple but I don't think I would eat her oat meal still. Anyway so on with my oatmeal. I like the whole oatmeal, not the quick cooking kind. It takes only only a couple of minutes longer to cook and the flavor is much better. So here is the secret to yummy oatmeal. You need to add salt. Sugar is a well know definet but the salt is optional and for me a must. I also add sugar free syrup, and regular brown sugar. I love raisins in it but I have to boil them in the water before adding them to oatmeal so they will be nice and plum. I found I also love to add some cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. Apple is good but boil it in the water so it will be nice and soft, and last of all I LOVE Mac nuts on top. Oatmeal, such an old fashion food. It is a wonderful hot dish and filling. Try it again if you haven't had it in a while and you may find that it hits the spot with you too.

I am not really sure how much I have explained all of the physical abuse there was in my household growing up and please excuse me for repeating myself if I do, but there is reason behind it and you will understand better as my story continues.

Early this morning about 3:am my time I called my Mom. She has been out of sorts lately but is starting to act like her old self again. Nice to have her back to normal. She was telling me how a high school friends parents were getting a divorce and how the mother was abused. I never knew this. I again had on those rose colored glasses and didn't see the signs. I knew the man drank but never realized that anything abusive was going on, as a matter of fact I thought he worshipped the ground that the mother walked on. Maybe he did, but just couldn't help it. It just goes to show how silent and invisible domestic abuse can be. My friend never said anything about it but then again I never did either. I just stayed away as much as possible and now that I think back this friend did to. She often stayed the night at another friends house and it just seemed normal.

To everyone out there in the world who sufferes from domestic abuse my heart goes out to you. The beatings are not the worst of the scars, they go away. It is the lost trust, the low self esteem, and the humiliation that black and blues us on the inside and causes pain that never quite seems to go away. As children raised in this atmosphere we also recieve the same internal bruising as we watch our parents go through this, and even more so if we are also recieveing the wrath of the abuser. Please if you are a victim of Domestic Abuse consider trying to break free of it. I am not saying you must leave your spouce, although sometimes there is no other option, but some therapy as a couple or atleast individually for yourself (to help make you strong) or for your parner (to help them realize what is causing the anger so they can deal with it and get to feeling better). If your children are seeing this get them someone to chat with who they can express their feeling to in a safe environment. Please don't let your kids be like I was having to pack my clothes as fast as I could into a paper brown bag and being ran out of the house by my Mom just so I wouldn't be hit by the pots, and pans or fists flying in the air. It is scary you never forget and Yes I could see all of this happening as I ran down those stairs as fast as I could and it happened often. I have broken the cycle in my family. My kids are safe and have a wonderful life. They know this and I tell them everything. They have been taught the difference between love and need. They understand what is unexceptable in a loving relationship. One more quick thing. If you find you can't get out of this relationship or it just isn't going to change, talk to your kids alot and educate them about relationships so they too can change the cycle before it continues on and possible you end up blaming yourself.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Crab and Shrimp Salad... Sweet goodness

Crab and Shrimp Salad. It is a sweet and light dish. Just grab an onion, dice it up and put into a saute pan with some olive oil. Begin to cook on med high heat and add some minced garlic. once the onion starts to brown add in your shrimp, imiation crabmeat some salt and pepper. Once cooked set aside and set up a plate with some salad greens. My spring mix lettuce from my garden is ready so it is the fresh stuff for me. Now add some tomato, and some bell pepper. Again I am lucky enough to get my produce from my garden. Whoopee!!!! Place some of the Shrimp and Crabmeat mixture to the top of the salad and top with your favorite cheese. I prefer fresh parmesan. Pour some baslami or Italian dressing on it and your taste buds will happily dance. Enjoy.

So I have been at peace really the last few days. It is unusually nice. There is such a calm that I have not felt in so long. The kind of calm that you get in the summer time laying in the fields where the grass is too high for anyone to find you, with the stars popping out from behind the hot pink and purple sky. The time of day when the sun is disappearing and crickets begin to sing. You can feel the cool breeze sweep across your body and kissing your cheeks because the day was so hot earlier. The feeling of easy breathing from your sole... not from the lungs but from the sole and you just feel so safe. That is how I feel. Finally the confusion and the forgetfulness that I was experiencing from the anxiety meds has almost disappeared and I am now back in control of my life. I can not begin to express how very horrible it is to live with Social Anxiety. The worst part was I never knew any different. I think I was bound to have this problem since it seems to run in the family but it is kind of like living with a constant pain. You learn to live with the it and suddenly you don't even realize how bad it hurts because that is all you know. I live with this but now that I have allowed myself to talk about it to a doctor and have been diagnosed, and was willling to try treatment I now know how much pain I was in. It hurt. Daily life hurt. Being a wife, a Mom and a Boss hurt. There were days I wished everything was different. I wished my whole world was different. I wanted to get rid of all the annoyances in my life and run as far away as I could. I didn't realize that what I was in search of ..."Peace" ... could be found if I just took the steps that I recently had taken. You can imagine what a lousy person I felt like everytime I wished I wasn't Married, or a mom or even alive. I never told anyone... nope not even Chad. These thoughts as of late never cross my mind anymore. I want to live. I want to laugh with my family. I have found peace, and finally this week for the first time as my Therapist pointed out I finally said I felt happy. I didn't realize I had never said that. He was right and I was astonished. I am glad and proud to be a Wife, and a Mom and right now very happy not to be a Boss and work closely with my husband. I don't know how much better it will get but I am content if it never does. Finally some sweet goodness in life:)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I need a name for this dish... and a new home

Tonight I felt like experimenting abit and who knows.... maybe someone has made this before but it was delicious and I have no name for it. It is a spin off of chicken florentine. I took my Chicken brests and made a long tunnel in the middle of it. How did I do this. I let the chichen lay on my cutting board and on one end I pushed my knife into the middle and created an area in which I could stuff. It worked out pretty well. Then I made a mock homemade pesto out of parsley, rosemary,thyme, garlic, basil, pepper, salt and olive oil. I set that aside while I cut up into circles little grape tomatoes and then mixed that into the pesto mixure. Again I set it a side. I took out my brick of mozz cheese and made finger wide logs out of it and set that a side. Next I took frozen spinach and warmed it in the microwave just until thaw and then I was ready to begin the stuffing of the breasts. So I took my chicken and shoved a stick of the cheese down the tube first. Then I pushed in the spinach and then the tomato pesto mixture. put it on my baking sheet which of course was sprayed with that wonderful pam cooking spray. After all were stuffed and on the pan I pre heated my oven to 425 degrees and then tossed the last of the spinach and the tomato mixtue on top of the chicken breasts. It was beautiful. Such lovely color. I baked it for about 45 minutes. Kylann had to try it right away to see if she would like it. I think the spinach scared her. Her face lit up and she said "yup that is what I am having for dinner". She even asked for seconds. So I need a name. Any suggestions?

OKAY so now for the new home part. I think I must be one of the people on the face of this earth that God has marked with the "Life will be full of sucky moments" sticker. I am sure that this is so the next time around I will appreciate the gifts that are given to me and I will be the next... HUM... I don't know but who ever it is, is rich and wonderful and has the perfect family. Perfect family, check that off my list, that I do have. Anyway, We were told that the lady that was buying the condo that we are currently renting wanted to keep us as renters. Wonderful right? including since we just moved here 6 months ago. Well it turns out there was a misunderstanding between the owner and the realator. They are moving here and need the condo starting in December. ARGH!!!! it isn't easy to find a place here. So I have come up with a brilliant solution. I have decided to put all of our stuff into storage and move into the office for a while. This will allow us to catch up on bills and begin to save and as for the holidays, well, I know the motto is "home for the holidays" However, I think ours is "The Sheraton for the Holidays". The kids are excited about that idea so what the hell? Lets give it a chance. I guess I am just over the moving thing. I am definetly over the stressing thing. As long as we have a roof over our heads we are going to be fine. That is more than others have, especially those who wear the "going to struggle, and life is going to be crap" sticker on. Whew boy am I glad I avoided that one!!! Thanks God!!

oh one more upside to this whole thing.... gourmet microwave and hurricane stove cooking. I make a mean meatloaf in the microwave believe it or not. Theres my lemonaide out of lemons... :)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I am not sure what is for dinner. Let ya know tomorrow.

Okay so I am not sure what is for dinner tonight. I will let you know tomorrow. I am thinking salad would be best since I have gained back a few of thoses pounds this week. Well here are me excuses.... First the Grand opening. The food was so yummy and OH THE BREADS. Next left over Grand Opening food and a light wallet; pretty explainatory. Then Wyatts birthday, the Iron Man and eating so late last night at KFC (kids choice and they do not have the grilled chicken here that they have been advertising... BUMMER). I am not angry with myself or feel like I don't know how it happened because I do. I accually am excepting of it and now I have to step back up to the plate... after tomorrow of course because of the Mahalo party;P The Mahalo (thank you) party is put on by ford to thank all of the Iron Man volenteers for thier hard work. There is food gallor, rock climbing walls, and bouncing tents, gift raffles and speeches. It is so much fun.

I feel that this is the first Iron Man that I have volenteered in, even though I have participated 5 years now. The anti anxiety meds made all of the difference. The last few years I kind of hid. I hated to be around everyone and the crowds were just too much. This year however I enjoyed the atheletes. I joked with them, helped them, and even massaged a couple. I left feeling sad that it was over instead of greatful. This year I accually got it... the full experience of being an Iron Man Volenteer. I took the time to meet and ask the Atheletes that question that I think most want to know... what drives them to do it (because I still don't get that one) not one could answer me, other than to say they had been asking themselves the same questions since the start of the run.

I am looking forward to next years Iron Man. Maybe I will meet up again with Bella from the U.K., or Scott from Scottland, or that nice 25 year old from Austin Texas who thanks to Mathew was surprised to learn that I knew all about the colony of bats from his home town, and countless others.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Eating out is the trend... at least this week.

Eating out these last couple of days. Just don't have enough time or room in my fridge with everything else that I have been having to take care of. What do I eat when I am out? Well the last couple of days McDonalds grill chicken snack wraps without the tortilla but with extra lettuce. It works out really well for me because the serve it to me in a small salad bowl and it is just the right portion. Also before I forget they have 3 choices of sauce. I get the chipolte BBQ sauce on mine but I am sure most of you would prefer the ranch or honey mustard. Try it I am sure you will be amazed.

So I do not think I will have time to blog between now and tomorrow again so let me fill you in on my thoughts that keep running through my head alot lately other than this Grand Opening. Here it goes.... well I guess I fooled myself all of these years. I am supposed to be comfortably well off with a home, nice car, perfect family and job. HAHAHAHA. I am not really laughing that was sarcastic. See what I set myself up to think when I was little. I am sure that it also stems a bit from being taught that substidized housing was bad and only losers live there, only lazy asses were on welfare, and you were crazy if you needed a therapist and don't even mention pills that really just made you a whack job. So what happened? This is not who I was supposed to be. I was going to do better than my parents. I was going to be a better parent, I was going to live equal to what they gave me or better, My kids were going to see the world and have college funds ready for them. I have achieved having happy kids I think. I have given them Hawaii, New Hamshire, Vermont, and Maine but the U.S.A does not the world make. As I sit here and try to make sense of this I cannot come up with any solutions. I usually can explain to myself why, or atleast find a morel in my words but I am at a loss. I can tell you that I have done the family thing better than what I had. I have a happy successful marriage, and I feel my childrens feeling when they have been bulllied or feel like they are failing at something and for them I am an Iron fist. I have shown them things that I hoped I never would have to show them such as how to pin someone up against the wall to get them to back off. I wish someone would have shown me that instead of telling me to suck it up. I have taught them about love in a relationship and what isn't exceptable from a partner if they really love you. I have taught them about sex, rape, good and bad touches and about how jumping out of a moving car is better if you are stolen and being hurt like that rather than not coming home at all. So what am I? I am not truely sure other than I can say I know I am a good person, a mother, and wife. To some I may be a loser, lazy ass, and a crazy whack job. I am just me.