Scallops Alfredo with Zucchini Pasta and the side effect of stress

Scallops Alfredo with zucchini pasta is on the menu tonight. Very easy to make and so delish. This recipe I make for 3 people. This is one of Kylann's favorites.

9 Sea scallops
1 med onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
6 button mushrooms chopped
4 sundried tomatoes, minced
1 tsp fresh rosemary, chopped
5 fresh basil leaves, chopped
a pinch of salt
a pinch of pepper
Saute all of the above ingredience in a sprayed saute pan. cook until the scallops are fully cooked.
Now add 1 1/2 cups of low fat milk to the mix, 3 tbs lemon juice, and 1/4 cup of shredded parmasan cheese. Keep heat on med low. In a separate pan take 1/4 cup butter and melt it. Add in 1/4 cup flour. Mix it over heat until it makes a smooth thin batter called a rue. Add rue to the scallop mixture until sauce begins to thicken. Taste. Add more salt if needed. Serve over zucchini that has been sliced up into shoe strings and cooked in a little water to steam. Enjoy. This is really really yummy.

So I woke up today with a stye on my lower left eye lid and now I am feeling on start on my right eye. This sucked because I still felt like shit from the events of yesturday and the fact that I slept like crap last night didn't help. I am feeling better today though but of course this bleeping stye is killing me. So curious what causes a stye and how to help it go away before the grand opening this weekend I looked up stye on my computer and found out that styes can be caused my stress. Great. Well that explained it. I also found out that the remedy for a stye is a warm compress and eye massage. See even eyes can get stressed out and need an occasional massage. isn't it funny how our bodies love to let us know that something just isn't right. Isn't it also funny how many hints we need before we just get it? Apparently I need at least two but since now I am breaking out I guess I needed more this time. What have I learned? Crying is good. Prayer is good and sometimes prayers are answered. Patience is necessary, and sometimes you need to sit back and remember what is most important to you and put all of your passion and effort there instead of into stress and anger. Thanks Kimmie for reminding me of this and not thinking less of me for my whining and bratiness. :)

Chicken in white whine and mushrooms

Chicken in white wine with mushrooms. Very good. How do you make this you may ask? Well it is easy. Spray down your sautee pan with Pam non stick spray. Put your chicken breasts in your pan and cook on Medium. As it cooks add some chopped garlic, salt and pepper. Now after it starts to brown add a couple of splashed of white wine and then your mushrooms. Allow it to cook down. Turn and add in a couple more splashes of white wine and finish cooking chicken thoughly. Serve with rice and or salad.

So here is the whine part. I am really going to whine now... get ready to play that little fiddle for me. Anyway we are piss broke and I have to pull off this grand opening this weekend. We just learned that Chads next check is going to be shitty and of course we have a ton of bills due and the account this a.m. was over drawn. The money that I did get just went to balance out the account and I still have 2 kids to feed and my refridgerator is bare. "f&^k"! I have spent most of my day crying. What do you do when your car insurance is due and you have to show proof that you are current to keep your job and you have no money? Cry. Pray. Cry some more.

I did just that. I screamed a lot too. It scared my daughter to see me distraught. My therapist says it is healthy for them to see me have my sad moments but I beg to differ. It seems that bottling it up is easier for them to handle. I felt better though. Then I found out we were supposed to get a tsunami. This made me feel better. I love the distruction of Mother Nature at times. Guess what happened. NOTHING!!! I can't get a hurricane, tropical storm, tsnuami, or even a little thunder and lightening out here!!! What do I have plenty of other than sunshine??? Cockroaches and ants!!!

so I wallowed in my self pitty most of the day. Then good news. Chad recieved an unexpected check that bought us groceries and help to pay car insurance so I still have my job. Although this was good news I still felt exhausted and agitated and to be honest I wanted someone to have a worse day than me. On the way home from dropping off my client some guy who was probably drunk wrapped his truck around a tree in a condo parking lot and this made me happy for 2 reasons. The first is very unselfish... no one was killed or hurt except for maybe the driver (I mean he may have been hurt but not killed). The second was very selfish. I though well at least someone was having a worse day than me. I smiled and I feel much better.

Pizza Burger and Breaded Mushroom Caps

Pizza burgers tonight and some breaded mushroom caps. So this is how I do it. A pound of ground turkey. Add italian spices, pepper, and garlic. Mix it up. Set aside. Put out the block of Mozzarella cheese and cut into 1 1/2 inch square and 4 centimeters thick. 3 Pieces of 70 percent lean pepperoni and a few peices of mushrooms. stack it up. Cheese, then roni, and top with shrooms. Do this four times and set aside. Now take the burger mixture start one side of the patty in your hand. Then take one of the cheese stacks and place it on top of the started patty in your hand. Finish by taking more of the burger placing it on top of the cheese and create a seal so that now your burger is stuffed. Cook in fry pan until cooked throughly.

Stuffed mushroom caps I make the same way as I do the Onion rings. I make my breading out of flax, bread crumbs and spices. Use egg whites to dip the mushrooms in and then into the breading. spray with pam and then cook in a 400 degree oven for about 10 to 15 minutes. enjoy.

Wow what an exhausting day. The heat was incredible here so we sweat like crazy all day and Chads office was fabulously busy. It was wonderful to see new people come into the office and make appointments and the phone is ringing and ringing. Who knew that a new location and a classy business sign was the answer? So here I sit on my sons bed. It is cushie and soft and calling my name. "Wendy, lay down on me... I am here for you... rest your weary head awhile, the rest will wait". I want to do just that however before I can I have to make myself a list or I am sure I will forget something for this grand opening this saturday. At the top of the list? Making lotions, potions,and bathsalt samples to give away at the party. Testers. A great idea. I love them. I hope that it begins a new line of business for me. I have sold some in the past but now that we are busier the demand maybe greater. So I am going to end this one short and maybe tomorrow I will have more to say. Until then let me give you a couple of other great blogs to read. A day in my life by Tamra L. Peters and MyAverageLife by someone who I do not know but makes me laugh in only a couple of sentences. Enjoy

Say "CHEESECAKE"!!!!

Low carb lime cheesecake is on the menu tonight. Here is the recipe

3 pkgs. nonfat creamcheese
4 eggs
1 1/2 tbs vanilla
1 1/2 tbs lime juice
1 1/2 cup splenda
1/4 cup nonfat yogurt

Crust
2 cups flax
1/2 cup splenda
a dash of salt
1/4 cup melted butter

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Make the filling by mixing all of the non crust ingredients. mix it well and then let it set while you make your crust. mix the the dry crust ingredients together and add enough of the melted butter to moisten. Next line the bottom of your pan with the crust mix. I used single sized little dishes. put the filling on top of the crust and then put into the oven. Turn down the oven to 235 degrees. Bake for 60 to 90 minutes or until firm in the middle. Cool and then refridgerate. Eat cold. Feel free to top with some berries.

Wyatts birthday is comming up in a couple of weeks and like any child he won't let me forget about it. We are trying something new this year. We will be having a small cake at home on His and Kylanns birthdays and having a big birthday party for the two together in November. I usually do not do this party thing but Kylann is turning 13. Big year for her. She had decided that she wants to share the party with her brother; very sweet of her.

I don't mind birthdays but hate birthday parties. I always had to share my day with my sister. Our birthdays were only 5 days apart. I get it. It was easier that way. My Mom only had to make 1 cake that way. My Mother hated parties too, so I didn't have a party until I was like 12. It was going to be awesome. My first party. Yes I still had to share the day with my sister but it was My first party. I don't remember it being fun like I expected I just remember the embarassment of being grounded in front of all of my friends. Why? Because my younger sister wanted to use the silver writing marker and note paper that Jennifer had given me as a present. We were still using it, My friends and I. Next thing I knew I was being grounded because my sister was crying and the whole situation was completely misunderstood (not that I ever got a word in to let my Mom know what had happend). All of my friends were sent home and me to bed. I hated parties after that and still do. Never had one at home again.

Now I enjoy the cake at home with my kids and Husband. My kids the same. However I am going to make this years Birthday the best if I have my way about it. Kylann will get a little something extra special for turning the Big 1-3 while Wyatt will have his party with his friends and enjoy the benefits of the surprise we are giving to both of them. I will let you all know when It all begins to go down. We must wait to see if my finances can support what I want to do. I guarantee though that it doesn't involve a grounding what so ever. Yeah!!!

Stuffed Steak.... Wyatts favorite.

Suppose you have never heard of stuffed steak. Well that is what we call it anyway. Out here they sell very thin steaks, I think to make teryaki beef with. I take that steak and lay mozzarella cheese, bacon bits, sauteed onions, mushrooms, peppers and garlic on top of the meat. By the way when I sautee the veggies I add salt pepper and other spices, that I love on beef, while it cooks. Looks beautiful aready right? Now rollI that baby up and set it on a presprayed baking sheet. Pre heat oven to 425 degrees. After I have enough for the entire family I bake it for about 15 minutes. This time I served this with a Mushroom and Herb Risotto. Awesome resturant style dish for very little cost.

Chads big day is coming up. The Grand opening to his new location. We have not been sleeping well. Pretty exciting and nerve racking stuff. We can't wait for it to be over. I keep going over in my head what I am going to make. How much do I think we will need. Gosh I hope people show up, what if too many people come and I didn't make enough, and will the kids act properly, God please don't let them embarass us! Will the place look good enough. Hopefully those darned ants I have been having trouble with stay away. So many worries....

I am sure for every one of our worries that amazing things will happen. Chad hopefully will be busier than ever and I can continue to work with him. Hopefully finacially this will put us in a better place. I would like to own our own home someday and have all but given up on that dream. I am 37.... If I don't own one now ... well you know. 37 seems to be a turning point for me. I still feel young but the number is telling me I am too old. A bunch of crap I feed myself. I am too old to go back to school... Bull, I am old enough to know what I want to do for the rest of my life by now... NOT!, I should be finacially stable and able to give my kids the sun, moon and stars... who do I think I am? "A FREAKING HILTON"? It is obvious that maybe some choices I have made haven't been the most endowing with material things. I could have stayed in business school and possibly being paid good money to be someones secretary or work in a bank like my Mother. I hated it. It wasn't me. I could have bought that land in Vermont when I had the money but I suppose I probably still wouldn't have house built on it. I could have saved better... well yeah I really should have but we had fun. Shoulda coulda woulda right. I don't think really I ever would have changed a thing. I don't need the material things, eveything I ever needed I have here. My family. It may come with occasional arguements, loud T.V's and or a radio. It may come with being broke, or giving up my shoes to my son because he likes mine better. It make come with pulling my hair out at times or throw up on a bed every now and then that I end up cleaning but as long as it comes with laughter, love, great food, and respect than I am honored that it belongs to me.

Kind of like stuff steak. All of the good and bad(if you do not like veggies like my Wyatt) rolled up into a heavenly thing we call life.

Mahi Mahi with seafood stuffing, and a job search that just isn't working!

Last nights dinner was delicious. I made my famous (at least at home) Mahi Mahi with seafood stuffing. I buy preportioned cuts of Mahi. Mahi is alot like haddock. It's a very mild fish and we all love it here. Now the stuffing is so easy and yummy. Take a sautee pan and spray it. Set it aside on the stove. Mince 1 medium onion, and 1 clove of garlic. Put it into the sautee pan and begin too cook it until it begins to carmelize. Add a couple of tbs of coconut oil or margerine. Now add 1/2 cup of flax and 6 ritz crackers (crumbled). Mix it and add in enough water to wet the mixture and make a stuffing like substance. Add salt and pepper to taste. Now add some rosemary and parsley. about 1/4 tsp each. Now set up your baking dish by spraying with "Pam" put fish in dish top with stuffing, a little cheddar cheese, and a couple of limes to garnish. Bake at 400 for 25 minutes. Enjoy.... soooo good!!!

when I was very little I would say about 6 years old I recieved a new Grandmother. At this point my Grandmother Holcomb had been removed from my life and I was excited about meeting this new member of my family. I call her Gramma Dot. She was great and brought us gifts. I loved to go and see her and loved it when she came to see us. Time when by and we were able to forage a great relationship. She married a man I called Grampa Jim. He made rosette cookies with me and we went fishing at his little camp. It wasn't until I was much older that I learned this woman was my real biological Grandmother. My father had been adopted. The story goes she was quite young when she had him and had no choice but to give him up. I believe this. Very amazing that my Father was able to find her years later. He has a very good relationship with her to this day as do I. She is feable and up there in age but still writes me every christmas and birthday. I am not so good at remembering everyone elses special days... heck half the time I don't even remember my own but I do send her Christmas letters. I have spent many Thanksgivings with her after her divorce to Jim; who took up drinking and was abusive to her. Now to fill you in before I get on with this story My Fathers biological brothers don't know he exists. Well accually they have met but only as Dots friend Steve not her son. Here's the Hum dinger of it all; I have Uncles, and cousins who don't know anything about me. Isn't it crazy I know about them? One of our Thankgiving gatherings who shows up but Phil. I was introduced to my Uncle as "My Friend Wendy". This man was the spitting image of my father except he supported a beard and mustache. He had the same wrinkled forhead, blue eyes, and light brown hair. How could this man sit across from my father and not notice anything? Heck I knew when He walked through the door. I asked Dot one day why she didn't tell them. She said she wanted too but my father asked her not too. When I asked him he said at first they both agreed it was better kept quiet so she wouldn't be caste a side by her children and to spare her hurt feelings. He still felt it was best. It is their choice but my opinion is that it is the wrong choice; at least it would be for me. Will my Father be excepted after she dies by her other children. How will they feel when my Father is left an inheritance, Lord knows he helped her buy her house and car etc. What will they do when she can't answer their questions and they are angry with her after she is gone? What happens if my Father passes first? Will they ever know about us? Is it even important? Yes to me. I have never met my biological Grandfather. My Father nor Dot will tell me anything. Just that he was a married man at the time, a business man. He chose to save face and walk away. Other than that I know nothing. Maybe later on, after both have pass
ed I will have to get in touch with the locator and learn more but until them all of my questions and feelings must remain locked away in my treasure chest of hope to respect the privacy of my father and Dot.

Homemade Kona Lime Jello.... watch it wiggle!

I am in dessert mode and have made homemade lime Jello from the four pounds of Limes I inhereted the other day. So here is the recipe.
2 Packages of Knox gelatin
6 tbs of Lime Juice.
1/4cup of splenda
1 cup of boiling water

Put your 2 pkgs of gelatin in a bowl. Add in the lime juice and stir. The mixture will become thick. Add your hot water and splenda. Taste to be sure not too sweet or tart. Feel free to add more lime juice if need be because this jello comes out very firm. Cool for 45 minutes. Then stir it up to break it up into little pieces. Put in a serving dish or cup and totop with sugar free cool whip. Very satisfying.

I ended up in Borders yesterday, of course in the cookbook section. "Chicken Soup for the Dieting Soul" caught my eye and I felt intrigued. I plopped my butt down at one of the tables and opened the book somewhere in the middle and read the perfect story for me. It was about this girl who never was heavy set. Even after having her first child she was left 5 pounds lighter than when she was in high school. It was during her second pregnancy that she felt hungry all the time and as she put it went of an eating orgy with food. She had gained a significant amount of weight and even after she had her baby was unable to get rid of it because she was in denial. Years later she looked out her window and noticed two new mothers out walking there babies and took notice of how they were dressed. Shorts with elastic waist bands and over sized tee's. She thought of how bad they looked and then she looked at herself in the mirror and realized she looked the same. She decided it was time to change. Much like myself, But it was how she looked at the situation after that really changed my way of looking at a diet. She decided she didn't like the word diet. It isn't a fun word for sure. It has too many restrictions and you expect a lot out of a diet. She chose to say she was starting a life plan. A plan that promoted healthy eating but with the occasional nasties so as not to stop living. It took her a few years but she is back down to her high school dress size and is still on her life plan. This story was very inspirational to me and I hope you get out of it what I did. The truth is we all need a life plan. It doesn't matter if we are too fat, too skinny, or just right... we all want to live for our children or lovers and for some of us, even for ourselves. We should everyday try to do something good for our bodies and if we need that cake and eat every now and again, well... it won't kill us will it. Love you readers, be well and live life. After all it is too short... isn't it?

I am not a fan of eggs.... but I can cook 'em

I am not a fan of eggs but, I can cook 'em. Almost everyday on our while on our diet Chad eats an egg white omelet. He seems to enjoy them most when I make them because I stuff it with some really great stuff. He ususally just uses the whites and spices. He is happy with that though too. So Here is what I do. I take 4 egg whites. Beat them with a little splash of milk. A pinch of salt and pepper is added in. I spray my pan and begin to heat it. Now for toppings this is what the choices can be: Spinach, broccoi, zucchini or summer squash, onion, tomato, mushrooms, garlic, fresh herbs, and for meats shrimp, or cheese, or ham, or chicken. If I am adding meat I cut the eggs back to 3 instead of 4. I put the egg into the hot pan and then put the toppings on one side of the egg. I then fold it in half after the egg has cooked long enough to be stable and firm. Flip it once to make sure the egg is cooked fully. I don't think omelets should be runny. Then plate it up. Remember to turn off your stove after. Hahahah. It has happened before and I know at least one of you out there has had an issue with this recently.

The story behind eggs... I have never liked eggs. They have a strange mealy and soft gel like texture that sticks to your tounge. The flavor is not my cup of tea and makes me retch. The same with mayonaise. I can pick it out of anything. My mother used to get grinders sometimes and thought she could take off the mayo and put on mustard instead. She thought I would never know, but of course to her dismay I would be able to and would end up sick. There is also a memory that makes eggs much worse for me. My father once tried to get me to eat the scrambled eggs he had made. He taunted and scolded me for quite some time. He had me in tears at the table. Finally my Mother came in unable to listen to him get at me any longer and they argued. She told me to put on my winter clothes so she could take me to the sitters. I did just that as quickly as I could as they continued to argue. My father angry he was unable to make me eat them and angry that my Mom was sticking up for me. My Mother got me out of the house as quick as she could and then in a moment that we had before we entered the sitters home she wiped my tears and told me not to worry about it. To have a good day and everything was alright. It wasn't my fault. Those aweful eggs. I still hate the smell of eggs but am willing to cook them and make them into a beautiful breakfast for my Husband and son. My daughter is like me. She hates them. They make her sick. She isn't made to eat them and neither of my children are made to eat things they do not like. Accually that is not entirely true. If it makes them sick they are not expected to eat it, but when it comes to veggies they dislike than if they want seconds on any part of dinner they have to make an effort to eat that veggie. They may only get down 3 peas but at least they tried and that is all I can ask or atleast willing to ask.

Zucchini Rolls ... very sophisticated

I was feeling creative last night so I pulled out my last zucchini from the fridge. I wanted to make it beautiful,& sophisticated and delicious. What was I going to do? HUM... I looked in my freezer and found 1 more packet of chicken I had set up. That isn't enough for two people I thought. I pondered over my dilema and that little light bulb above my head lit up. I will make a Zucchini Roll that looks a bit like sushi. I cut up my zucchini into quarters and dug out the middle a bit. Then I cut each quarter in half. Looking good I thought. Now what else other than chicken can I put into this. The Angels above I could hear singing "Mushrooms, garlic and onions OH yeah" a little Lala here and a doowop. I sauteed them and chopped it up to make a nice filler around the chicken and stuck it right in the center of the Zucchini roll (which, by the way I was building on a sprayed baking sheet) I set the oven at 425 degrees to preheat. I looked at those little beauties that were looking kind of drab. What could I do to make them look exquisite and also make it so when they were handled they would not fall apart. Mozzarella cheese and a small bit of chopped up sun dried tomato should do the trick I thought. They were delicate and dazzling. Off to the oven they went. The air smelled glorious. I love the smell of garlic cooking. Very few smells are as pleasing to me. I think the only smells that are better still come from my oven but at Christmas time. All of the ginger, cloves and cinnamon, the fantastic festive smells of the Holidays. So I baked the zucchini rolls for about 15 minutes or at least until the cheese was melted and just starting to brown. Those little babies were beauts. I ran out and collected a couple of Hybiscus flowers, because this dish deserved a bloom as radiant as it was. I laid that blossom of sunshine and rose in the corner of my long sushi style plate and then added steamed broccoli as a side dish. I topped off the dish with some Mandrine sauce and presented it to my Husband to replyed "Wow! This looks absolutely delicious". Now how many Hubby's would say that about veggies for diner?

You know I just love it when my family appreciates what I do. Well they always appreciate it, but I still love to hear it. I don't want them to have to feel like they have to say it. I just like it when they say it without really thinking about it and it just rolls out of their mouths. Kind of like telling someone you love them. You don't want to feel like you have to say it every five minutes to please the other but if you say it without thinking about it... well there's so much truth to those words at that moment.

I have always wanted the family I have now. Close. I always wanted the "Little House on the Praire" life. The life where Ma and Pa always get along no matter how hard things get. The kind of family you could always count on to have your back and the kind that works together to achieve thier goals. Well Chad and I have managed that. We are Ma and Pa. I have always wanted this relationship too with Chads family. It was never easy and I don't think I ever found what I wanted. Coming from the broken family that I did somewhere I hoped that I would find some parental stability. If I couldn't find it with my parents than maybe with my spouses parents. I was wrong. There was always something to get in the way; whether it was my Ex-sister in Law (thank goodness she is gone), or the fact that I was taking her boy away, or I was looked at as being lazy for my messy home at the time, or how I raised my children very free spirited... It just was always too hard. I never told my Mother-in-Law that part of the reason we left the family farm was because I was going to leave. I didn't want to divorce Chad. That was never a thought. I just had to leave for awhile to catch my breath. I was having anxiety attacks that left my chest aching for two days at a time and I really thought I was having heart attacks, but I wasn't. In a way though my heart was broken and so was I. Many times I would look at Elligo lake and think... no one will miss me, I could just drive right in. The hurt would go away and maybe finally everyone will be happy. The only thing that stopped me were my kids and husband. It would have killed them. I could handle killing myself but not them. So then the ultimatum. We had to leave the farm or I would. Chad chose college. For the first time It did not matter that the Bitch next door was there weaving and spinning her lies that my mother in law was listening to and absorbing. I was going to be free. My EX sister in law couldn't even wait for us to move. She went over and began painting before we were even out of the house. She put my feather pillow at the bottom of the hamper and poured water over it and then put the clothes with manure on top so I would not see it. Completely ruined my pillow. She packed up our bedroom into black trash bags and managed to break a brass antique that had belonged to my Grand Father Holcomb. The only thing I had left from him. She was evil and rubbed in the fact that she couldn't wait for us to be gone and she was happy. She won her victory... or so she thought. Shortly after we left she was finally caught in another relationship. All of her lies about me and my family were all to keep the focus on us and off of her so she could betray her own family. The damage though was done. It has taken a long time to move past it all and finally I do feel closer to my In laws than I ever have. I am still afraid though. I am afraid to move back home for fear that all of the bad will begin again with not only my In Laws but my own family. I am afraid that I will never measure up and maybe I don't want to find out. Maybe we are better just being us. Maybe Little House on the Praire only happens on T.V.

Crustless pizza? Can you call it that? & other tough life questions.

So remember way back when.... I had written on a post I was having crustless pizza. Many wondered how I could call it Pizza with out the crust. Well there it is... on the side next to this blog. Looks Yummy huh. So all I do is put my favorite pizza toppings in my bowl or dish and then add pizza sauce, and cheese. Then I shove it in the microwave for a couple of minutes and then it is all done. Also If I am at Costco I achieve the same thing just by eating the top and pitching that crust. However, when I am there it really doesn't seem right, but yes, I do it anyway.

I have to tell you that I spoke with my Mother this morning and the conversation we had was very ironic. you see, yesterday I blogged about how I feel the need to make people proud. Well anyway out of the blue today My Mother referred to me as a good girl. Why did she say this?...OH YES... because Peter, a business man from across the road of Chads office came over when we were struggling and helped up put the sign up. The next day I brought him over 2 bags of donuts to say thank you. He was of course appreciative. "Your a good girl Wen" says Mum. My responce. I try and have always tried. She said she knew. I told her that it is hard to live up to that all the time and that it really weighs on me. I don't believe she ever thought of that. In the end of our conversation she said that it is most important to please yourself and your family. I believe she is right about this. One question though.... isn't that who I was trying to please all along? I did but, I realize I missed out on the pleasing me part. Anyway enough of that.


Here we go with another question but a whole different subject. Do you really think that we have free will? I ask this because at times I feel like I am a puppet on Gods marionette stage. You see I never really went to church. There was a bit of a war over it when I was little. Apparently when I was born my Mom was going to get me baptized Catholic, However, My father basically kidnapped me for a couple of hours and secretly baptized me protestant. As a child I did not know this. I attended catholic church with my mother until the day that my father dug his heels into the ground and forbid me to go. That ladies and gentilmen is how I learned that I was protestant. You see I was at the age that religion did matter to me. Both my sisters, All of my friends, and cousins were all catholic. I didn't understand the difference but I just knew it was bad not to be catholic. What was this other religion anyway? Now that I am older I do not really have a communion of preferance per say. I have a belief in God. I believe that we all belong here on earth. I do not believe that being Gay is wrong.... I know this because I know God doesn't screw up what he makes. I believe that We are all forgiven, and I also believe that sometime after we die we come back and do it all over again with the same people until we finally suceed in getting life right. I like to believe in that last bit because it lets me know in the end we are all okay, even if we mess it us the first time around we get another chance to get it right. But do we really get it right or is it drafted in the screen play of our own lives? Like did I really choose to end up in Hawaii or was it written that I was going to choose to come here but it really wasn't my choice at all? I just thought it was. I ask this because at times when I am going through an envious moment I wonder... Why did life work out so much better for that person than for me? If we all have the power to succeed why doesn't it work out just like that? we all have wealth, and happiness. Even if we all used the same recipe for life it never would work out the same way for everyone. Why? I know I am asking a lot and I am sure that at times we all wonder why, why, why. I was talking to Chad about this today and he seemed to have an answer to every question until the end and then he too was stumped and proclaimed "Something has just got to be different to make it that way and I believe in free will". Me... I am a thinker. I think too much. I dissect life and I get some enjoyment out of it. It is a debate. I enjoy debates. My father was a debater. I learned from the best. I aspire at times to be better at it than he. The only way to achieve that is to know what I am talking about, and to do that I must question. Please let me know what you think. (There is a spot for your comments at the bottom of this blog or you can use the post on facebook.) I used to have a key chain it read as follows "I hate going into a battle of wits with an unarmed person". That is so true. Robin if you are reading this... you are the Minister's Wife... Maybe you have a few answers for me. Until tomorrow.

Donut have time to blog.

Well sorry I missed blogging yesturday but I really wanted to open a booth at the local farmers market that is, well... non existant. Oh it is there just I was the only booth today. I had made tons of donuts. Chocolate, Chocolate with glaze, plain (old fashion) and powdered. I sold almost all of them. People at McDonalds heard I was selling them and I sold about 10 bags to them at least; So that was really great. I maybe willing to do it again next week but we will see. I was still a good girl though. I ate only 2 donut holes.

So are you waiting for a recipe? Well I bought some shrimp the other night. I really was craving it. Put it in a sautee Pan and Cooked them with some garlic and Thai Sweet Chili sauce. I carmelized it. I set myself up a plate of green leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, and carrots. Topped with the shrimp and drizzled a little more thai chili sauce on top in place of the salad dressing.

So I had an appointment with my therapist yesturday. I have made great progress is what he reported to me. Good for me right. I am feeling much better. He is proud of me. I like that. Why does it matter? When I think about it I really don't know. Does it really matter whether or not people are proud of me? This is where I am schizo- A part of me (the huge part) says it matters. Try harder. They aren't likeing you yet, better keep tring. Keep going. Bulldoze your way to their approval. Then there is that itty bitty side that says "Wendy WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Let it go, it's not worth it. Will you feel better with their approval? really? Guess which side of me usually wins. That ugly side that always gets me into trouble and yet keeps me out of trouble. I know somehow that pleasing others is going to be a hard habit to break. I honestly don't know how to stop. Is it an addiction to need approval? Is it a security blanket? If I have approval than I am safe. I am not entirely sure but I think there is some truth to that statement. This seeking approval though is really heavy stuff. When I sit here and think about how it makes me feel... the tension, rapid and hard heart beat, and trapped. Trying so hard all the time; I realize how hard this must be on a child. No wonder I have always been afraid and put up walls. If I was having a hard time getting approval from those around me than why would I want the added pressure of more people to please? I had already been told I was too small, then my skin was too dry so lets feed wendy meat fat and this will help put oils in her system. (Yes this is a true statment made by a doctor to my Mother. I remember hating the fat. I was fed the fats off of steak and ham. I once was very skinny as a child. Some of you may have pics with me like that, Next thing I know I was fat. No wonder!! feed a kid meat fat and you are putting fat cells into there system. So the girl who once hated meat fat ended up aquiring the taste and in the end loved it. I never lost the weight), your too fat... time to diet, act this way, be quiet, no make up, no dating until your 16, curfew, no no NO!!! I was a good girl... I am a good girl. I am a woman, Yes, But still that girl. I still feel afraid. I am fraid of people, I am afraid everytime I see my kids act in a way that is child like. I wasn't allowed to act like that and I get nerved up. The noise, and excitement.... it is stressful to me. Somehow I just know that I need to get them to stop acting like this so they won't get into trouble. How do I do this? becoming cross and getting them to stop I am(deep down)sure I am saving them from a beating. Part of me is convinced and why wouldn't I be? I would have gotten that beating. I know because as I write this I feel this fear, this truth trying to show it's self just a little. An ache in my chest and throat, and finally, tears. I just don't know......
I am feeling better than I have in a long time............
but still I just don't know.....

Soups On!!! Mock BLT Soup

I have discovered the BLT soup. Ever heard of it? Me either. I just made it up. It was good though. Kylann had 2 bowls. Hey if a kid will eat it, it has to be good. What do you need? A can of whole tomatoes, milk, turkey bacon, salt, pepper, garlic, rosemary, basil, splenda and cheddar cheese. First cook your Turkey Bacon and then crumble it. Next take the can of tomatoes and put it into a medium sized sauce pan. Cut up the tomatoes so it creates a bisque style soup. Add some garlic, salt, pepper, Rosemary, basil and spinach (fresh or frozen). The spinach is the mock part of the soup that we are adding in place of the lettuce. Not too much salt now. Add enough splenda to cut the acid. Begin to heat soup slowly. While it is heating shred up some Cheddar cheese. Now that your soup is warm add some milk. This will make the soup a little creamy tasting. Add some cheddar cheese and allow to melt in soup. Now add the crumbled bacon. Once the soup it hot ladle into bowls and garnish with some of the cheddar cheese and some bacon bits on top of the soup. Easy and Satisfying.

This soup may sound strange. I am sure it is something that if seen in a can at the store maybe misunderstood and even unappealing. Yet once it is tried it is quite the opposite. It is warm, sweet, and has a unique flavor. It is enjoyable. Kind of like people. We read each other all the time. I am big on this. Hey I am just being honest. I can usually tell right away whether or not I am going to like someone. Most of the time I am right. How do I do this? I look into there eyes, and then feel their energy. Mean eyes... they maybe on those who seem to be the nicest people but usually in the end they are they kind of eyes that will get you. Big energy scares me. The louder you are chances are I will not get too close because it calls too much attention and Hey I am trying to blend in here!!! This is a learned quality I have. Maybe not attractive but a survival mechanism. It is a wall. I will not let you hurt me if I do not trust you. Do you understand what I mean?

I have been wrong a few times. One of my best friends I swore I would never get along with when I first met her. She was loud and everything I wasn't. I ended up asking her to be my Maid of Honor at my wedding. She declined stating that she felt that one of my sisters should take that position and that she would settle for being a brides maid. She is one of the kindest, funnest, and energy filled people I know. I cannot remember what it was that made me take a chance with her but I am glad I did. She helped me get a back bone and taught me how to raise a little heck every now and again. I Thank her for that.

On the other hand I have had people that I trusted completely that I never should have. A friend that I was so close to that she was like a sister and her family called me another daughter. I made the mistake of doing business with this friend and part of my equipment malfunctioned. I tried to get her to allow me to take some of her Wedding Pics outside but she always had something else to do (however, she could pose for others outside) Had she allowed me to do this she would have had the group pictures that she wanted. She threatened to sue me. I gave her everything. Her pictures, the film, and all of her money back. I had to sell a camera to to do this. I never would have done to her what she had done to me. She does hair. Had she done mine and turned it green I never would have put her through what she put me through. All of the names and threats. She tossed me a side and in return lost a friend. I hope it was worth it to her.

Funny. In each of these situations I would have chosen the wrong can of soup. One friend was the strange BLT soup and the Other the comfortable Chicken Noodle. I chose both and in the end much happier with the strange less appealing soup. The one that wasn't ordinary, convenient, or my usual genre but was in the end a wonderful revelation.

Scallops Augratin and Corn & Potato Salad....OOHHH Yeah!

OOHHH YEAH dinner was GOOD tonight. Brought back an oldie from Mer Lu's Restaurant that Chad and I always enjoyed and concocted a new side dish. It was AMAZING. You have got to try these two recipes... If you don't try any other recipe you see in this blog... well yeah you'd be missing out, but tonight's recipe is full blown YUM.

Scallops Au gratin isn't hard to make at all. Preheat you oven to 375 degrees. Spray down you souffle dishes or casserole dish with Pam. Place your scallops(about 4 sea each if you are using 4 inch diameter souffle dish) into your baking dish and set aside. In a separate bowl take 1/2 cup of flax and add 1/4 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp pepper, and a pinch or so of rosemary, now mix it together. Garlic is always an important ingredient so sprinkle some fresh minced garlic on top of the scallops and then cover with the flax mixture. Spray the top of the Flax with Pam Cooking spray and then top with a couple of tbs of Cheddar Cheese. Bake for about 25-30 minutes or until cheese starts to brown. Serve with sliced lemon if you would like. Makes 2 servings.

For my Corn and Potato Salad I took red, white and blue fingerling potatoes and diced them. I cooked them in a 2 cup glad container for 3 minutes in the microwave and set aside to cool. Then I cut corn off the cob (I bought a bunch the other day and have to use it up) and cooked that in the microwave for 2 minutes with just a little bit of water at the bottom of the bowl. Drained the corn. Mixed the corn and potato together, and added some Italian Dressing. Chopped up some fresh chive and rosemary, garlic and onion (minced). This is where it really began to have great flavor. I then added some bacon bits, and a few sun dried tomatoes. This was like heaven in my mouth. So tasty. Chad loved it and is still raving.

I have always liked to cook. I seem to excel in the kitchen. It is my song and dance... truly. There is a rhythm to every movement and a correct timing and step, a spin here and a twist there. Everything comes down to timing. As you may have figured out I seldom use measuring cups or spoons. I am the conductor at the podium and the food my symphony. I direct where everything goes, how loud or soft that flavor should be and whether or not it belongs in the song. One thing goes in the oven and plays quietly in the back ground while I begin a new transition in my minuet of food preparation. In the end...it seems... there is a cheer, an applause, and a standing ovation in approval for the culinary masterpiece I have created. I feel pride and I know tomorrow I will write another song in my kitchen. I, as usual, will put my all into pleasing my audience and make it look effortless. It for me is a love and a joy. I never fail here, because this is my stage and I have fans. Well at least 3 of them anyway (not including myself).

Night off from cooking .... Well I need to heal

So I took the night off from cooking... well I need to heal. What did I eat today? Well the road took me back and forth all day so no choice but
to eat out. No breakfast, Panda Express for lunch for those steamed veggies and green bean chicken, and for supper well we had Costco. Pizza no crust and a salad. See it is possible to diet and eat out.

So my hand looks rather good today. Just a few burn blisters and some signs of where the pan met my palm but over all way better than I expected. Tomorrow I should be tip top and back to normal. I realized just how important our hands are this morning while showering. I can wash almost every place on my body with one hand no problem but the arm pit of my good hand... well lets just say I could have smelled better. I didn't stink but it certainly wasn't Rosie. I know... I know this is what they make deodorant for right. I had a few groceries to pick up at Costco. Good thing I had My Boy, Wyatt and Chad to help because... man!!... Bulk is heavy!!! I have a new found respect for my hands.

My night was pretty sleepless last night. I tossed and turned. Pulled my hand out from under the covers and then back under again. Too hot and too cold. My dreams though were sweet and funny. My first great dream. A wonderful friend that I haven't seen forever held me up when I was down. His kind words made sense to me and reminded me of what true friendship is. His hands were kind and strong. He pat my head and told me everything was okay. I believe he is right and hope he comes to visit me in my dreams more often. Another, Chad had rented us a beach house by the ocean. It was beautiful, however, we had no money for this expense. He told me everything is okay my check will be big. But when that check came we were more than hurting. I was angry. we could not spare this kind of cash. Next thing I know a submarine came for us to have dinner in. It was all decked out for a romantic evening. There were flowers and music and no anger. A few minutes later a yellow sub full of Military men came. Each end of that sub twisted off and were able to screw back onto our sub. These were the kitchens where our fabulous meal was being made. The best part Daniel Radcliff (you know Harry Potter) was one of those military men that came to greet us with his hand out to shake. Too funny right??? Hands that reached out to me in my dreams last night. Strong, friendly and loving hands. This great joy and peace has been handed back to me again today. I am thinking of all of my friends, family and last nights visitors and sending you all some strength, love, and peace tonight. Oh before I go I did work out in the ocean today for an hour and my little buddy screech came with me. LOL Michelle will know who I mean:p

French VS Wendy

So now the rest of the story. I am putting in this recipe after I have written the blog below. I made a recipe from my daughters french cookbook and well the results were ugly and wonderful. It was the most delicious steak I have had in a very long time, However due to my complete stupidity I walked away with a now useless hand. Keep reading you will find out why I say this.

I made Cote De Boeuf Compote d'Oignon. In English: Beef Rib W/onion sauce. However I did not have the rib so good old steak took it's place. So you take 1 large steak of choice and cut it in half. Dry the steak with paper towel and then rub in Montreal seasoning. Set aside for a half our. In the meantime slice up 1 large red onion into rings. Place into a medium sized sauce pan with 2 tablespoons butter. Cook until onions become soft. Then add 1 tsp thyme, 1/2 red wine, 1/2 cup beef broth and 2 tbs of raspberry jelly (seedless). Cook. Now like Julia Child's I love wine in my food and found a 1/2 cup was not enough so another couple of splashes of that and some salt to taste.
Now that the beef has sat it is now time to cook it. put a TBS of butter in the pan and put heat on high. Sear the beef on each side for 1 minute each. Then place into a 450 degree oven. (By the way the oven should have been preheated and you should use a pan that can go from stove to oven) Then allow to roast for 5-8 minutes or desired color. Let cool for 5 minutes on a wooden cutting board. Now here is where I went so wrong.... I looked at that lovely pan of drippings and thought that would make the onion sauce so much better. I forgot that I had just taken that pan out of the oven and picked it up. That handle was still in the 400degree area and seared my hand pretty good. To be honest the last time I had pain like that I was having gallbladder attacks. So I guess the french won this battle however its victory was ooohhhhh so delicious. We served it sliced and with the onion sauce generously drizzled over the top with a side of corn on the cob. By the way this incident did not make my day less wonderful. :)
I am in an extremely peaceful place. Where this calmness has come from I do not know but it is very worthy of mention. I seldom have this quiet feeling deep down inside. Maybe that darned cold that has left my system or the extra sleep I had last night has something to do with it. Maybe the four mile walk yesterday and working through situations be it with my husbands sweet advice and support or blogging and my readers input. Where ever this great feeling has come from I hope it sticks around.

So as usual I woke up today about 6:00 a.m. Watched a little Judge Karen and then on the move. Made Wyatt a Cheese and egg sandwich while Kylann politely snatched a piece of homemade focassia bread. I am extremely envious of my kids right now. There is nothing more that I would like to sneak than that light, puffy, herbed and buttered floury goodness. Focassia is (I swear) bread from the heavens and carbs from the devil all mixed together so you can not help but be temped. Way into Heaven? Resist with all your might even when it is coming hot out of the oven. If you can do this you are an angel and worthy of that cute black dress on the mannequin that you have been ogling for the last 2 weeks. "Hey God if you are out there listening I have two words...HINT... HINT". Alas I have not earned my wings this week. When I wasn't feeling good. I had a sore throat and stuffy nose. I had a slice of pizza and a piece of focassia bread. Good news I didn't gain weight but I am only where I was a week ago. Can't complain nor pat myself on the back. So after breakfast is made onto packing lunch, then gathering the laundry, getting the kids to do their newly assigned choirs, showers, and out the door. Drop off Wyatt to school, then to the laundry mat. Wash wash wash, fold fold fold. Run chad to work, go to the bank, pick up ky, GO SHOPPING!!!!! Hey I needed cheese and milk. Lunch at panda for steamed veggies and mushroom chicken. Wow I still have time left. Go to borders with Kylann. Ky is so much like me. She and I went to check out the cookbooks because to us this is fun reading. Hey if you can't eat it you can still read it... no calories that way. We each picked one off the bargain shelf and again begin our running. As we drive off Ky opens her book on french cooking and excitement in a giggle exits her body like a sweet song. Cooing and ahhing. This is where the part of me comes into play. She will be an excellent cook someday. She is already on her way. Then GOOD NEWS!!! Chad has 2 new clients. This is so important because he was beginning to have too much free time and not enough work. So off we are running lunch up to Chad and then home to do school and blogging. Soon I must go to pick up Wyatt from school, the pool to get some exercise, make supper and my list continues until bed. Still What a Glorious day.

Spanish Rice "Caliente"!!!!

Well I have some left over brown rice so it is time to yet again get my Mexican on. I really find that when it comes to low carb cooking somehow Mexican and chinese seem to be where I end up often going. There is just so much pizazz and flavor in there ethnic dishes; and lots of veggies. So I have gathered up an onion, a couple of Cheyenne peppers, a bell pepper, zucchini, kidney beans, garlic, taco spice, cilantro and ground turkey. I browned the ground turkey with the onion, garlic and both kinds of peppers. I added the rice and gave it time to heat up and then added the spices to taste. I cooked up the zucchini (which I chunked) in a separate pan. After I added it to the rice mixture with the kidney beans. I served up on a bed of lettuce with a little non-fat plain yogurt and some cheddar cheese. I made mine really hot with those 2 Cheyenne peppers. I like it spicy. Feel free to adjust recipe to your taste.

So here we go. You know that burn you get after you eat spicy food? Sometimes you sweat and pay for it for awhile. Well I have found this to be true not only in food but in relationships. The burning can be wonderful. That warm in your gut kind of a feeling. The kind of feeling I get when I am enjoying those funny moments or holidays with my children. When my son kisses me and moves my hair out of my face and tells me he loves me. When my daughter has achieved something I have taught her or when we go shopping and our bond shows. The kind I feel when my husband makes that cute little humming sound when he is really enjoying something I have cooked and when he gives me goosebumps. The warmth you feel when you can hear the clock tick or the smell of dandy lions or chocolate. The feeling I had today when I talked with my Mom and Sister on the web cam. Those things...those wonderful things that create the kind of warm feeling deep down that makes you smile not only on the outside but on the inside too. A content feeling. A peaceful place. Don't you love it.

Then you have those relationships that burn you so bad that they char your sole. I have been reminded of that kind of relationship again this week. Thing is, is I try to ignore it. I tell myself it isn't my problem. No matter though how I try to band-aid this issue the wound never seems to heal. Once again I have put myself in a dangerous place. I cared. I put myself out there. I tried too much to help someone and again was (after all of my efforts and offers to help) cast a side. I try to tell myself that this person can't help it. That this person because of her past is incapable to allow herself to be helped. That she needs to punish herself so she continues to surround herself by users, takers, and poison. I am afraid that this person may be drinking again or using drugs and maybe she knows I will notice. I do not know. I have tried to stay by her side and continue contact with her but there always seems to be an excuse to why it is never a good time. She pretends to be gone when she is home and no longer answers her phone. Now she is doing this to my kids. Her kids no longer come over as much. I am afraid for them too. So now what? I had to stop trying to contact her. I was just giving too much of myself. I hurt and am upset. I have always tried to be a kind and respectful person. My question for myself that I cannot seem to answer is when will I ever stop trying so hard? When will I learn? When will I start being even more cautious and just stop!!! How can I stop being me without hurting the values that were instilled in me and that I have instilled in my children? Do I surround myself with selfish people or am I supposed to be part of these peoples life. What am I supposed to learn or what are they learning? Doesn't this feeling just burn you up? Make you feel crappy? Not a happy content feeling at all. It is like being hit by a truck I am sure. Takes a long time to heal and never really get over the fear or the pain.

I walked four miles today with my husband and it helped. In those miles I had opportunity to hear myself talk and listen to the calm, kind and supportive words he had to say. It tired and mellowed me out. In the end I realize it is not so much her I am mad at as I am myself. I am mad, because although, I do have control of the situation I allowed myself to take it personally. For now I have chosen to turn my back and walk away until she is ready to come around. Respect for not only her space but also for mine. I need to learn where my danger zones are. Who I let into my heart and what I allow them to do with it. I need to show myself compassion and patience and treat myself as well as I would those that I choose to care for and help.

My lesson learned: Life can be a good spicy but be careful what you put into it because it could burn you in the ass on the way out.

Chocolate Appology

So today I am not going to write in a recipe. I am a little under the weather and do not feel like experimenting or cooking; That being said however, I will give you a tip on chocolate cravings. I love, love, LOVE CHOCOLATE. Russel Stover puts out AWESOME sugarfree chocolates. The best part??? They now have a variety pack. Chocolate covered toffee, peanutbutter cups, and mints or Chocolate covered coconut, carmel filled, and chocolate truffels. Go get some. I did. YUM!!!


I often do not feel good about me. To be honest most of the time I do not like me. I don't know why because if I were to meet someone like me out and about I would think the world of me. Do you know what I mean? When I am angry or stressed and I do not know why(which happens a lot)I think "God.... I hate me". I runs through my mind like a disc set on repeat. I does nothing to make me feel better. I guess maybe I need someone to blame or to take my frustrations out on. Who better than myself? The problem is how do you change the way you feel or think if you can not pin point what exactly at that moment made you feel like that; And what if you know what frustrated you? What if it is such a small thing but to you it is huge? You know to walk away but the damage is done. You hate you. You can't be mad over the small stuff and voice it right? What to do....

I have been out of sorts the last couple of days. We took our kids and my client yesterday to the new frozen yogurt store yesterday. I helped my client and showed my son how much to put into his bowl (it is self serve there). I helped my client put on toppings of her choice but didn't show my son. When it came time to pay my son had overloaded his dish with m&m's, cookies, chocolate chips, and this sour fruit roll stuff. ARGH I was soooo mad at him. It cost me almost $10.00 for the two yogurts and I was just furious. I was actually so angry that I expressed it to him and made him feel horrible. I was horrible. I sat in my chair with that same poutie look that my father had when he wasn't getting his way or was in need of showing disappointment. Shame on me. I say that now because as I sat there and I again saw his face light up at me and then change to sadness as he noticed my poutie poo poo face I remembered the same situation happen to me. I was maybe 7th grade. We had go to vacation in Florida. On the way back home the weather was bad and we were stranded. We rented a car and while we were waiting for the rental we noticed on of my older sisters friends stranded. My parents offered her a ride home and she was thrilled. Somewhere on the way we stopped at a little cafe and picked up some food. My Dad had asked me what I wanted. I remember picking out a croissant and a danish. We ate in the car. I enjoyed both of the items I had chosen and was glad to eat. I was starving. It was only after I ate that the other girl expressed she was now hungry. My parents asked where was the danish and the croissant? "I ate them" I replied. My parents lit into me big time. I felt like a pig... a fat pig. How could I have eaten both of those items? Why didn't I check to see if everyone had something? I ruined the ride. I pissed them off and all I could do was cry. What was worse? I was crying in front of this friend... My older sisters friend and I looked like a baby. My son I had just put through the same thing. I had a client and I scolded him in front of her. I told him how selfish he was and that I was angry. I should actually have laughed because now that I am sitting here writing I realize that any kid would have done what he had done without total supervision. Free rein on the chocolate...OH YEAH. I believe I have an apology to make and some explaining to do. I ruined the afternoon... not him. I acted like a baby.... an adult baby, the worst kind of all.

Dessert : Harvest Crisp

Of course you have heard the term "you reap what you sow" Well hopefully some apples are on the list of reaping because I have created a recipe for what I call Harvest Crisp. It is the low carb solution to Apple Crisp and quite tasty. you will ingredients:

FILLING
3 apples, sliced or diced
1/4 cup unsweetened apple juice concentrate
3 tsp minute tapioca
1/8 tsp cinnamon
a pinch of salt


TOPPING
1 cup of rice crispies, stirred until it is a powder
1/8 tsp cinnamon
1 tbs splenda
Pumpkin seeds, Chopped
almonds, chopped
raisins and/or craisins, chopped
non - stick cooking spray

1. Preheat oven to 425

2. mix all of the filling ingredients together and allow to sit for 15 minutes stirring occasionally. Put into a small pan or little souffle dishes that have been sprayed with non stick cooking spray.

3. Make topping by mixing all ingredients together except the cooking spray. spoon on top of apple filling and then spray with the non - stick spray.

4. Bake for 20 minutes.

5. Serve hot or cold. sugar free cool whip is a good garnish



I visited my Great Grandmothers old apartment, secretly, a few years ago. I miss her. She would be upset to see how the old building looks now. She owned it for many years. You know the green building on main street in Hardwick right next to the health food store. The wall where to old furnace was, was a giant hole of wood slats and Sheetrock type dust. Walls busted up everywhere. The bathroom was a mess and well I guess that is what happens when a building is kind of abandoned. It becomes a wreck, unhealthy and sad. My memories did not disappear however they just came flooding back and for as awful as the place looked I couldn't have found a happier more sweeter place to be. My Great Grandmothers name is Alma Mary Bedard Hill. She was born in and raised in Canada. Later on she ended up in Barton, Vermont where she met my Great Grandfather, Arthor Hill. I never met him. He died long before I was born. They had many children.... I think 8 to be exact, but many of them died as children. My Great Grandparents owned the old IGA, which later was owned by my Grandparents and then my Uncle Micheal, before it became Buffalo Mountain Coop. They Raised their children in the Dewey street home, we call "The House". Later my Grandparents bought The House from my Great Grandparents and raised their children there. The best part about the house is that it is a gathering place for the holidays. I have wonderful memories there, But I can share those another time. Right now I have seemed to lost track of where I was going in this blog. My Great Grandmother lived to be 105 years old and unfortunately in the last year of her life seemed to have really stopped talking as much as she once had. As a matter of fact it wasn't until well after her passing I suddenly could hear her voice and laugh again. She was an evil checkers player. She had this knack for setting up the game. You wouldn't even know she had ya. She would say "if you have opportunity to Jump you have to take it.... you can't make another move until you do". You would take the jump and then from out of nowhere she would have 7 jumps lined up and take you out. I don't think she liked to lose and that is why she made that rule. I am not convinced that she followed her own rules but considering I didn't notice her getting ready to clear the board who am I to say? She is the only person I know that made a tuna fish sandwich by putting dry tuna on the mayonnaise covered bread. I hated mayonnaise. Just the look of it and I make that gross face. Imagine how hard it was for me to be polite and eat it. She ate Dinty Moore beef stew every night for dinner. She loved watching wrestling and would punch at the air and whoop and insult the one who she was not rooting for. She walked everywhere. I never even knew she owned a car. She did. She never used it after her husband died. My Uncle Gary now drives her old car in the parade and enters it in car competitions. He has blue ribbons for her car. It is a beaut. She at Halloween made the best popcorn balls. She always gave us two but it never was enough. When she lived in this old apartment building that she owned we went over often and she loved us around. I don't ever remember saying it was a bad time to come over or her asking us to leave. If she was heading to the store she would ask if we wanted to go with her. She once had an empty apartment up on the 4th floor. It was our club house. She brought up plastic fruit to play with. We had the whole place to ourselves. One more memory I want to share.... Once my cousin Nicki and I made Great Gram Chinese food. She had never had it before. We decided to make Lemon Chicken. Honestly, It was awful. She never said an ill word. She told us it was very good and ate the whole thing. She was one of those amazing women I keep hearing about. She kept her sanity even when her family was passing away around her. Even though she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs in anger but couldn't for fear she would be sent to waterbury if she showed any signs of cracking. She was busted up on the inside like her old apartment is now. She may have felt abandoned when her husband passed and she was left to take care of her family on her own. She was wrecked and sad with every sick child passing and yet she carried on and made life happier and sweeter for every ones life she touched. I miss you Gram and think of you almost everyday. I am not sad you are not here physically.... I know your body was old and your mind not as sharp. It is your laughter. I have it in my head and heart again and I know it is a gift from you. Thank you for everything.

Get your chopsticks out Greenbeans and Pork....

Get you chopsticks out we are having Green beans with pork. This is one of the easiest recipes. Reason??? I cheated at the sauce. Why buy all the ingredients to make a sauce when there is a perfectly great one on the shelf at the store?? My point exactly!!!! I like the Lee Kum Kee Panda Brand sauces. I chose to use the "Beef and Broccoli" sauce. It is a lovely brown sauce that tastes good with any meat. I sliced up my pork loin into very thin shaved pieces mixed in the sauce and some ginger. I allowed it time to marinate, about 1 hour and then put it in the oven set at 300. I allowed it to cook for an hour and a 1/2 before adding some frozen whole string beans. The meat at this point tastes fabulous. Sorry I worked in too many restaurants you must taste the food to make sure it is coming out okay. It is very tender. Another hour later and Dinner!!! I am serving brown rice with this and some mixed veggies. Who needs the local Chinese restaurant???

So I had this very strange dream last night that I just have to share. It is me that you all have seldom seen but does emerge at times. It is the hidden Me with the back bone. Something happened where my sister was getting remarried. My father had sent out postcards to many people for a dinner in honor of their marriage. It was funny because almost everyone there were from my In-Laws side of the family. (they don't care for him much and visa versa). Just remember now we have no control over our dreams. At some point in the dinner My father got up and left. I remember how joyous the atmosphere became without him there. The chatter became loud with conversation and there was laughter. What a relief because who really likes a stuffy tense room even if it is in a dream. Next thing I know it is very late. Everyone is leaving except my sister and I. "Goodbye, Goodbye, oh Goodbye Sue, Elaine and Linda". Now comes the bill and we have no money. Wasn't this supposed to be paid for by the person who invited everyone to dinner. "Wait does anyone have any money"? "Thanks Linda for the $3.00". What else could I say? I did appreciate her effort. She too expressed anger at my father for this inconvenient situation. Next thing I know I am at a broken down old house in Vermont that is apparently his home. I walk up the broken, rickety stairs that lead from the basement to his living room. I begin yelling at him for the situation he left us in, and how embarrassing it was. It was at that moment he began to cry. He tried to argue back saying it wasn't his responsibility and then he left. Bang Bang Bang... What is that? I ask my sister. We begin to get ready to run down the stairs when I realize that there are people trapped behind a door. I let them out. They are my fathers prisoners. They are safe now and begin to run behind us to get out. We run though the basement (here's one of the funny parts) where I notice petroglyphs etched into the floor (obviously Hawaii has made its impression) and we run out. Boom... switch scenes ....Now I am with Chads cousin Ann. What is this she is trying to get me too eat? "CAVIAR" GROSS!!! I am actually considering it... don't do it... awe go ahead give it a whirl. I reach for it...ARGH... it is sticking to my finger!!! What am I thinking? Gag... Where is the bathroom... bathroom... bathroom anyone??? darn, I didn't make it. "Wendy... Wendy.... did you wake Wyatt up to go to the bathroom"??? Oh wait... that last line really was real. I guess I know why the bathroom was, or was not introduced.

How do I interpret this dream???? Well I once heard my father tell my mother that he never wanted the responsibilities of having children or getting married. I gather that he should have used a condom then, because it sounded as if this situation trapped him into what he considered a loveless marriage. Loveless. My mother I don't think at the time that they conceived their first child could have loved him more. She had to have. They were married for 20 some odd years. She stayed through verbal and physical abuse, and through it all she was not the one who cheated. Why is it only the woman's responsibly anyway??? Men can just walk away. The girl is a slut. Men are fooling around. Women are labeled Whores. I mentioned, one time to my father that a girl I new was cheating on her boyfriend with a cousin of hers. He told me it isn't cheating it is just filling a void. I guess he had many voids. Those people that were trapped behind that door. I didn't recognize them because (i did not mention this) they were wearing scuba gear. Masks and all. I am guessing they were us. His prisoners all of those years. We are now free. His broken rickety stairs that lead to his living room is a resemblance of his entire life. Broken and still going on. As for the caviar thing... well maybe that is a way of telling me that life sucks sometimes and we just have to eat it... but when it gets too icky just get rid of it... don't wait for the nearest bathroom because it may not be close by. Gosh Deep... I should go into therapy school someday. First though I will continue with improving myself.

Diner Night!!! Does it get any better????

Whoohoo!!! We love "Diner Night"!!!This is the night we make our diner favorites. We love mushroom cheddar burgers, fries and onion rings, but it is soooo bad for us. Clogs the arteries and puts on the weight. BOOOOO:(. Well don't fret... I am not going to let anyone tell us we cannot have it. NO NO NO!!! Screw them all because I have the secret to eating diner smart, and now so will you.

Turkey burger, it is the key ingredient to our dish because; hey I can live without the fries and rings if I have to, but don't you dare forget that burger. Add your favorite spices. This evening, we put salt, pepper, garlic, fresh chives and a hot pepper (from my garden). I like it hot. mix it all together. If your turkey burger is a little juicy, in a raw state, add some flax. This will absorb the extra liquid and is a good substitution for bread crumbs. Now make into patties. Grilling is great if you can but I cooked mine in a fry pan that had been (yup you guessed it) sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. Non-stick cooking spray is possibly one of the most important ingredients in my kitchen. You will see me use it almost daily and in different ways. Tip: If you eat grill cheese sandwiches instead of using butter on the bread use the non-stick cooking spray. It will still make your sandwich crispy but without the added fats. Now for those evil fries. I take a potato and cut it into strips just as you would if you were making normal fries from scratch. Season with salt and pepper. Spray that baking sheet with non-fat cooking spray and lay out potato in a single layer. Then spray those french fry wannabes with that same spray. Put into an oven that has been preheated to 450 and cook until golden brown. Last but not least those sweet onion rings. Gosh I love you little guys. Take a couple of eggs. Use only the whites now and beat them into submission. Cut up your onions into rings. Now you are ready to make the crispy outside. I use flax, cornmeal and a few bread crumbs. Salt and pepper to taste. Now dip in whites, dip in crumbs, put on a sheet, spray with the spray and now you are almost done. Put that sheet into the oven that is preheated to 450 and just as you would with fries.... cook until golden brown. I used lettuce as my bun because a burger should really be held when eaten. I also was lucky enough today to finally find diet Sunkist! JACKPOT!!! This is my kids favorite meal. They cheered when they asked what was for dinner and I proclaimed "diner night" was on!!!

Okay so I haven't talked much about the exercise I have been doing lately. Well I have been walking about two miles a day with Kylann and Chad, and I have made up my own water aerobics that I do in the pool or ocean daily. Wow do my stomach muscles hurt the next morning. I found I like working out in the water because I do not sweat. Now you all remember how much I hate sweat right. So all of this has been really great! By the way we finally have our Wii. Yes they had to replace the one that magically transformed itself into 10 pounds of ball point pens (hahaha). For those of you who don't know our Wii was stolen en route to Nintendo to get fixed and replace with pens. We missed it so much. If you own a wii I strongly suggest you invest in the Wii fit programs. It not only helps you to workout in a really fun way but it also re balances your body, weights you, tells you your BMI (body mass index), assigns you a trainer (mine is a male... I named him Flavio after someone I knew who looked just like him), teaches you yoga, strength trains you and meditation. Not bad aye? Yes it cost quite a bit but when you think about how much the gym costs well it is about equivalent to a two month membership.
So I kept it as short and sweet tonight as I could. I hate being too serious all the time. After awhile it can get old (at least to the reader/listener). I like laughter best.... I have enough serious in me for everyone. Have a wonderful day all. I am off for my nightly walk and then to bed. Kisses!

Chinese Chicken Salad and the most dishonorable truth.

Chinese chicken salad is I think one of my very favorite salads. I love oriental dressing with all of its sweet tanginess over a leafy bed of greens. I use marinated chicken which I make up ahead of time in a bulk quantity. I do this so I can pre-measure and freeze it so it is ready at a moments notice. Then I love, love, LOVE CRAISINS, soy beans, almonds and/or soy nuts, chicken and those little dried Chinese noodle things. It is so yummy. (Mandarin oranges are great too on it but I don't have any of those today.)

So now to the "dishonorable truth". My truth. My secrets that I hid. Ones I am sure most women and a few men can relate too. I (no mincing words now.... and putting on a very brave front being this honest) was molested a couple of times. I was young enough the first time too not feel like a victim. I didn't realize it was bad. I really though it was okay. Why not? Many of my other friends had the same thing happening to them with this man. It seemed normal. He had a horse. Maybe few of you know who I mean. To ride this horse you had to french kiss this man. It was icky but hey the horse was worth it. Then a feel up here and a feel up there. I am sure this old man was starving for some womanly attention at his age and little girls were an easy target. Once the feel up wasn't enough on the outside of the clothes well then he moved on to the inside of the shorts and shirt. I think that is when I realized it wasn't okay. I stopped going. The sad part is I really wanted him to love me because wasn't that what kissing meant? Boy friend and girl friend up in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G first comes LOVE. Love I am sure wasn't really what was on his mind. He wasn't supposed to do this to us. Many girls wrote there names on the stable wall and I am sure each one, in one way shape or form he touch inappropriately. I am also sure that after all of these years they are not talking about it either. The second time I was way older. I was in high school and was asked by my father to take an envelope over to his friends. There he was alone in the living room and his sweet unsuspecting wife in the next room. I gave him the envelope and as I turned to leave he grabbed me from behind and started humping. He reached his hands to the lower front of me and began rubbing and telling me how much I like it and wanted more. I quietly fought him off and left rather quickly. Who did he think he was? He was supposed to be a friend of the family. I never went back. I never told my parents. They would never believe me anyway. This man they knew longer than they knew me. He was a pig. He is dead. They both are now. By now his wife knows, because I am sure in Heaven you have to come clean right? He had grandchildren my age they were my friends. Did he touch his Granddaughters wrong? I finally did tell my mother. Funny her response wasn't that she didn't believe me. I actually will not tell her response because I am sure had she really heard me clearly and understood what this had done it may have been different. I was hurt and then again I was not expecting too much different. Hoping but no....

I think sometimes it has been easy for me to be fat so no one would look at me. Why would I want them too. I have never felt beautiful. In the words of my father "you may not be my prettiest child but you are most beautiful on the inside". Great compliment Dad!!! it was always you would look great in that if you would just loose a few pounds. Why???? so I could have that skinny waist with those huge boobs I used to have?? As it was men always looked there anyway instead of in my eyes. Yeah, those jugs are gone now. Cut those suckers off. Best thing I ever did. Not really... best thing I ever did for myself was trusting and allowing my husband in my world. No matter how big I got ...he has always made me a queen. He has never pushed me in the sex department. Even though the dry spell had lasted months. He allowed me to feel what I needed to feel and do things in my own time.

We started teaching our children at a very young age about good touch and bad touch. Good thing we did. When Kylann was 4 she came to me tell me that her and a certain man had a secret. She, after much coaxing told me. He had french kissed her. She was convinced that he was her boyfriend and that they were going to get married. Funny the same things I though. She was too young to know it was wrong. This man was sent away. He has some mental issues and is now no longer allowed to be around children. I never wanted her too feel like she was a victim so we told her she was a hero and saved other children. We explained that he knew better and that is why it was a secret. She feels like a hero and remembers it to this day. What she remembers is saving other children from being touched wrong and she feels powerful. I wish I had felt brave enough as a child to tell my parents. I may have been a hero too. I may have saved all of those other girls. Now always underlying guilt and shame deep within. Then again I did save Kylann. Maybe I am a hero. Maybe....

Orange Roughy with Herbed Flax Topping and Veggie Risotto

Today we dine in class. I am going to help you to prepare a plate that would cost at least $16.99 in a upper class restaurant in Vermont. The price I have given does not reflect the tax, drinks, or the gratuity that you normally include. So girls get yourself a sitter (boys your included) and get ready to make magic at home for your spouse.

First you need a fillet of orange roughy. If you cannot find orange roughy Haddock is a great substitution. They are both a mild fish and Haddock last I new cost a little less. In Hawaii I cannot find Haddock and Mahi Mahi is my next best substitute. Cut the fish into nicely portioned sizes and set aside. Preheat your oven now to 375. Okay next we are going to prepare the flax. Now you do not want the flax as a seed you want it more as a meal. I buy mine bulk, of course, at Costco. you need 2 cups of the flax, 1 tsp of salt, 1/2 tsp pepper, 1/4 tsp Cajun spice and 1 tbs of chopped rosemary. Mix it all together in a bowl and set aside. Now you will need 2 eggs. Use only the whites and beat it well with a fork. Next prepare a baking sheet with non fat cooking spray. Take a piece of your fish and dip it into the egg whites and then into the flax mix. Place it on your baking sheet and sprinkle with a bit of fresh garlic. To make it pretty garnish with an orange, lemon or lime slice and bake for about 20 minutes or until fish is easily flaked apart.

Now for the risotto. Everyone says risotto is hard. WRONG!!!! It is just a lot of work because it needs babysitting. Take out your favorite saute pan. Put in 3 tbs of cooking oil. Put it on a low temp just to get it warming. Now take out 1 medium onion. Dice it and add it to your oil. Mince 1 carrot and add that to the onion. Now stir it occasionally and turn up the heat to medium high. Chop up mushrooms and toss those in too. I also add fresh herbs and spices of my choice. Garlic is a definite. Now cook for about 3 minutes. Now you need to add 1 1/2 cups of aborio rice. That is your risotto rice. Cook for 2 minutes stirring often. Now here is where you babysit. You need 4 cups of chicken broth now. Pour just enough broth into the rice mixture until barely covered. Let it cook down stirring often. Once the broth seems to have almost disappeared again add broth to barely cover. Do this until all of the broth is gone and rice is no longer juicy. Taste and make sure rice is tender. Now add salt and pepper to taste. I have made fresh green beans as my veggie tonight and it came out beautifully.

Now break out the candles, and turn on the soft music. Who needs to go out during this recession when we can make our own home into a sheik elegant restaurant and save a bundle. Ways to make it even better. Make a favorite drink. Maybe a refreshing Iced tea or Lemonade.

I do not want to spoil such a lovely dinner with any sad stories today so I will share with you some great things. I had the best chat with an old friend last night. She was up late and waiting to hear from one of children that he had made it to his destination safely. I noticed she was up and the chatting began. We talked about old memories. Some bad, but most good and really funny. We talked about old commercials. Lets test your memory. Which product had the slogan ancient Chinese secret? Which product had an old man pleading with his customers not to squeeze this? What made the "world look mighty good to me because" this product "is all I see". What walks down stairs and over chairs and makes a only a sound that this product could make. Plop Plop fizz fizz... this product is a relief and how do you spell relief? Spell this products name and you would be right. My bologna has a first name, tweet tweet twiddle twiddle there is only one candy that has a hole in the middle. It is a creamy milk and chocolate sensation... All of these wonderful products!! Giving us as little kids songs to sing and joy everywhere. These things we appreciated to get us to Boston on field trips, although I am sure the bus driver needed his Bare aspirin when he got there. But hey with those songs were as we learned later saved him possibly from a heart attack. Just take one and whew bye bye heart attack and head ache. Hello to another fricken bus ride the next day with loud singing kids saving him from another heart attack again.

Memories... Good memories. Important ingredients that makes it easy to let life continue to go on. How about items. Remember sit n spins? We have one of those down at the new play ground here. Big enough for us adults to get on and get going. Yup couldn't help myself. Had to do it. Valuable lesson I shall share with you. Never ever EAT POPCORN and DRINK SODA before you ride on the sit n spin. I barely made it to the restroom. How about the big wheel. The big wheel wasn't cool unless you put a playing card into the front wheel to make that clicking sound. Marbles loved them. The boulders were the best. I loved to play for keepsies. Hated loosing which I did often. Easier world then. We were outside. We didn't have video games to keep us inside or daily cartoons. They were only on, on Saturday and in the morning Sunday. We improvised. We had a lemonade stand which we never really made money on but obtained quite a few cool items. A plastic ring, some goo, a nickel and other odds and ends. We did this at kimmies house because... well her mom was cool. Last I just want to mention mud pies. They were I think the best invention. I was convinced, in my own imagination part of my brain, that they were chocolate. We had the best mud and the biggest pot holes when we were done.

So there they are... good memories. Share your good memories with your dinner date tonight and make new ones everyday. Memories that are not expensive but are priceless.

do you want the answers to the above questions? here they are in order: Cheer laundry detergent, Charmin, tootsie rolls, slinky, Alkeselzer, Rolaids, Oscar Meyer, life savers, and Oreo.

Left overs for dinner and from the past

Well tonight we are serving up leftovers. Thank you!!!! I have been baking bread the last two days and the fresh focaccia nearly killed me. I am 2 more pounds down and refuse to go back (even though my husband wanted to check out the new frozen yogurt shop down town. Yes, I refused and I was not happy about it either at the time).

Left overs are great really. They can be reheated, recreated and enjoyed again. There are sometimes though that left overs really suck. Like the time my Dad got sick of waiting for Mom to get home from her meeting and decided to punish her by making us the worst dinner ever. I remember canned spinach mixed with left over beef. It was nasty. What made it worse is when Mom finally got home he used us as a guilt tool. "See the sh@# I had to make them for dinner"?!! Yell, Yell, Yell...kids all crying. What he failed to praise her for the 16 inch pizza she had in her hand. She didn't for one moment forget her family sitting at home, or the fact that they needed to eat. She also couldn't turn her back on her job, or the money that it brought in that made it so we could eat pizza that night, and helped to put clothes on our backs. I never understood my mother. Yes this is a confession. She just always seemed so angry. The black circles under her eyes I thought were just of her make. It never occurred to me that she was really stressed and tired. I, admittedly, was a Daddy's girl through and through, and I was his favorite. I would love to say that I dreamt up the last part but he made a habit of letting most everyone know that I was. It made me happy when I was young. I tried the hardest I could to stay that way. I am not sure if it was too keep him happy, to keep him loving me, or to stay out of trouble. What I do know is thank goodness I did. My older sister was notorious for getting in trouble. Another admission... at the time I thought she deserved it. The black eyes she went to school with were not from mascara. I now know all most all the details and I think even if she had been more like me she never would have been better off. She was cursed. She was the mistake, the unexpected one and the one who would be my fathers reminder of what his responsibilities were. My sister, I thought hated me growing up. I know now she loves me. Maybe she was trying to protect me by getting into trouble so I wasn't the focus. Maybe she was just acting out trying to get some attention, or maybe she was living in hell and didn't know how to deal with it. I believe she was in Hell. She ended up turning to the devil and lived with him in a bottle just so she could survive. The devil stole part of her sole. My sister defeated the devil about 10 years ago. She left the bottle behind and began to live. However she is left with scars. Her scars are very deep and I don't believe they will ever fully heal. She, like I, has depression and anxiety problems but on a much larger scale than I. She is one of the bravest people I know. she is a survivor and I don't think she really knows it. I love her. My Mother is also a survivor. I know that all of those knocks she took, she took to protect us. I know now that all of those times she seemed angry and wouldn't let us budge an inch was to keep us safe and hopefully keep the household harmonious. What a tiring job she had. Through it all she had class and grace. Not once would she disgrace our family or family business by letting the world know what went on behind our walls, nor would she disrespect her husband. I am glad the world has moved forward and that children, women, and even men do not need to feel shame for the abuse they receive. I am glad that therapy and medications are no longer taboo. I am also glad that Mom and I can talk about this stuff now and realize what it has done too all of us and start over and move on.

Leftovers, even the really sucky stuff if the right ingredients are added can turn out really good. (applies in life and on the plate) Hey that may make a good bumper sticker.

Noodless Lasagna Anyone????

Okay so yesterday evening I lost my footing. Slipped down into the dark Hell that is buried in my soul. I just wish it was buried deeper. So although I am exhausted from the climb up to normalcy I am going to sit here and try to let my creative juices flow and look at the world with a bit of optimism. How will I obtain this??? I do not know completely, but comfort food is always an option. Right?

Comfort food of the day.... ooh YES lasagna. As you can tell I love Italian food. It is a glorious love affair we have. Yes, I mean we, because that saucy and smooth Italian loves me right back. It loves my butt, belly, boobs, (the 3 "B's") and those ever so loving, love handles. You know that place on your lower back where people love to grab and hold on to when they hug you. I wonder if that is why they are called love handles, because no one I know loves to have them. Actually that analogy just gave me a funny strange thought. We have love handles that we hate, funny bones that really aren't that funny and beauty marks that end up growing hair out of them and aren't so pretty let alone beautiful. Who made this stuff up???
So back to my Italian romance. I am making a totally vegetable noodless lasagna (As you have probably have surmised by the title). In place of the noodles I am using .... THAT'S RIGHT YOU GUESSED IT... ZUCCHINI!!! (Zucchini really is a wonderful vegetable. It can be used to make so many things from side dishes to breads, and cakes, and really who knew; a noodle????) I take my potato peeler and strip the zucchini making long strips. Then my other needs are pasta sauce, ricotta and mozzarella cheese, carrot (shredded), spinach (fresh or frozen. If using frozen squeeze out to drain it well), mushrooms, onion, and garlic (sauteed) and broccoli crowns (chopped). Okay so now that we have all the ingredients we must put it together. spray your casserole dish with cooking spray. Put a little tomato sauce on the bottom of pan then make a layer of zucchini. Again sauce, but this time on the noodle and make another row of zucchini noodle. 3rd Layer spinach and broccoli and carrot add mozzarella cheese (shredded) to help glue the veggies together. 4Th row zucchini, ricotta (for the ricotta mix in 1 egg white salt, pepper, and rosemary. Stir together and then you have a nice cheese mixture) Now it is time for the mushroom and onion blend. Last row !!! zucchini, sauce, mushroom and onion and mozzarella cheese. Now if I wanted too I could add meat to this. Ground turkey, or chicken are some healthy low fat options.

As you know, if you have been keeping up with my blogs, yesterday Chad and I took Kylann Ocean Kayaking for a field trip at Kealakekua Bay. I packed a picnic consisting of water, diet soda, chef salads and granola bars. Grabbed the snorkel gear, towels and suits. What more did we need. AAAhhhh nothing you say??? A kayak!!! the most important item for our trip. Our friend Peg offered hers to us. She is a doll. I am so lucky to have met such an angel. She is one of those friends that is true. You know the kind Im am talking about because I am sure you are either one of them or you know one. The kind that you don't have to spend much time with or call all the time but when you see each other it is like you never have been apart. That is the sign of a true friend. So back to the story... we picked up that kayak and after fastening it down to the roof of our car we were on our way. We were told to launching from Minini Beach was the best spot, because the waves would come in and just lift the kayak and take us out to sea. That information proved to be most useful and true. We paddled and paddled and paddled and (yeah I am sure you get it)...finally 1 mile later "All Ashore"!!! In the bay we could see spinner dolphins jumping and dancing. we had missed them on the way over. Bummer! Snorkel gear on and down we went. The coral reef went down for miles and looked like giant brains piled up on top of each other. Urchines, enenemies, hawaiian puffer fish, yellow tangs and butterfly fish, eels, and pin noses,and the hawaiian state fish (try this one out for size. get ready) the Humuhumunukunukuapuaa (its name is bigger than the fish itself). To give this underwater world justice is impossible for me. All I can say in comparison is this... It is kind of like a giant fish tank and you become one of the fish. They are just swimming around you going about their life of survival. They are constantly looking for sharks or danger. They forage for their food, and for some such as the Butterfly fish they find that one true mate and stick with him/her for life. They build homes and have children. They even have schools (okay not the same as the schools we have but they too travel in groups for safety just as I tell my kids to do). The only real difference between their world and ours is air. If you think about it we spend each day looking out for our own sharks and dangers, we head down to the store or go to our gardens to get our food, if you look in cities or in any school womans room you will see groups of people everywhere and if we are lucky we find our own 1 true love to stay with forever. I am Lucky

Getting out of the ocean was difficult since we were fighting the currents and watching not to step on any wana. Wana is an uchine that has a venom in its spikes. Wyatt had this happen once to him when we first moved here. It hit his hand and was painful. He asked how was he going to get the spikes out. Well unfortuatly for him he had his first experince with Hawaiian medicine. Pee on it. Yup Pee. He went into the porta potty and treated it like a man and then to the hospital we went. After that a good week of soaking it several times a day in vinagar water. Finally we were back on land and sat down by the sea and had our picnic. There was much laughter and story telling of what we had seen. Soon we were back on our way to our oringinal launching sight. We sang Harry Belafonte songs (very tropics appropriate) just to get our minds off of the burning not only on our backs but in our bicepts. We sang loud, proud, and joyously. It was kind of sad when it all ended and getting back to the real world was upon us. I am sure that, that day will be a day Kylann will remember forever just as I remember my Dad putting me into the Brady mobile of a car we had and driving lickity split up to the train tracks just to watch the train go by and then enjoying my first Coke a Cola at the old "A&W" resturant (Now known as the Hardwick House of Pizza).

Yes good memories and comfort food.... medication to treat depression without chemicals; But if I want my "b's" to remain as "b's" than I need to make sure I make the modifications to keep my food delicious yet healthy. "Mangiare Bene"!!!! I will.

grrrrrr

Today was awesome. We had the best time kayaking. We grilled out steak, Mushrooms, onions and corn on the Cobb it was delicious. However my evening was s@#$.

I am so sick of hurting and crying and being venerable. I hate being me sometimes. I am sure this is normal and sorry I am having a very hard moment right now. You know that ache in your chest you get when all you want to do is scream? And even after screaming it just doesn't feel like enough. At this very moment that is where I am at.

My intentions today were to tell you about kayaking, the coral reef and all of the marine life we saw. I wanted to share about the sun burn I received and the joy on my daughters face and right now I just don't care. I don't have those lovely feeling inside to give the story the excitement and delight it deserves.

The truth is tonight I am not miss nicey nice and sunshine. The truth is even those who love us or who we love "F" up sometimes. The truth hurts..... such a cliche, but undeniable. I am angry and in while it will be over. The forgiveness will set in and all of this anger, sadness, and ache will seem silly and even non existent. Funny how all the bad goes away when we love someone.

So tomorrow I will be in a better mood I am sure. For now I need to wallow in my self pity. Cry... cry and maybe a little more crying. Be gentile to myself and allow me to go through what I need to go through.