I could really use the advice.

Everything is still okay so far. I have started school and seem to be settling in fine there, and finances are a bit better this week. of course we really will learn the real answer to that on the first when paychecks come out.

As you know I have this really big problem with rejection, and feeling disposable, etc. Well I really have tried to move beyond that but it is one of my biggest weaknesses. Having family and friends in my life be proud of me is important for that reason. I feel less likely to be shoved aside and pushed away. I know a you all get what I mean. So here is what I need the advice on. I have reached out to an old friend tonight and I am sooo afraid. You see this persons daughter and I had a falling out (we were very close like sisters). My feelings were hurt when her mother seemed to be taking sides (she really tried to stay out of it). I guess it really wasn't that she was taking a side that killed me it was the fact that our conversations became uncomfortable if this girls name was brought up. I tried to let her talk about her but she pulled out the "well you probably don't want to even hear about her now" card. I realized then that it was causing a wedge and that our conversations would never quite be the same for awhile. I had to walk away.

I was about that time that my social anxiety and paranoia really crept in. I was always afraid to run into anyone in their family (except for this girls sister, she always treated me the same). I was afraid to go to burlington because this friend and her brother were living there. I felt like if I was there I had to watch around every corner to hide. I felt so much shame in what had happened eventhough it was out of my control and could never have been prevented. I was afraid to be in Hardwick because the mother was in the area. So Chad had a chance to go to Hawaii and this gave me a solution and a way to hide from everyone and the shame, and guilt I was feeling.

Everything in Hawaii was great for a long time. I had found peace and grew up a lot, And well you know the rest of that story. I have realized since though that I have a lot more to miss back home than to run from. I have been pondering for the last couple of Christmas's over whether or not I should get ahold of my EX friends mother and say hello and try to move on. I tried with the brother and thought that I made some progress but have now realized he is not a friend or atleast not the kind of friend who is good for me. I wrote him and asked if he felt we were friends resently after he has been on my facebook for over a year. He chose not to respond. After a month I erased him. I got my answer. So back to the mother. I reached out to her and sent her a message last night that I would like to talk with her but on the phone. I let her know that this was hard for me. I do not know if she will get back in touch with me but that is what scares me. I am sure that part of me will be crushed if she chooses not to get back to me. Then again maybe it isn't such a good thing to get together again. Maybe facing this fear is good? Maybe sometimes fear should just be left alone. Part of me says no matter what I faced what drove me away... maybe that is just enough. I do not know? Advice anyone????

Pet peeve? Whiners! and I am one of them... sometimes.

Yes, one of my pet peeves.... People who whine. I am one of them, well not all the time but sometimes. Funny thing is I catch myself and then remind my self, "I hate listening to people whine". Then I think "why is it that we even bother whining anyway"? When I ask someone How are you today I am 100% sure I am going to hear them say "oh, just fine and you"? and I will reply "fine". Chances are that well we are fine but not wonderful so we cover. That is what we do. I don't know even how one would react if someone was just honest for a change and put it straight up "My life sucks!, I have too many bills, My spouse is a dick and my child is going through this nasty phase where he doesn't appreciate anything. My dog barks to much, the t.v. remote no longer works and to top it all off my car engine light is on. I mean what do you say at that very moment. Probably "oh...well that is too bad.... okay well... gotta go, I'm on a schedule". Funny it is like honesty is a bad thing when it comes to our unhappy feelings. It disappoints, scares and revolts us. Honesty is best when it about mistakes made, life lessons, and advice.

Good honesty well people like that a bit better but that can be a touchy area too. People who are struggling don't really want to hear about all of your blessings in life. Who cares if you have a new car? Your child is an honor student? Your husbands business is bringing in a ton of money each year, and you are going on a vacation to the French riviara for a month. Who cares that you have a brand new home on 5 acres of land? Who cares that you can go shopping at Neimann Marcus and that you just bought yourself a new diamond necklace? Who cares when you just want to plug your ears and scream instead of standing there smiling, and listening and patting them on the back when you are the one struggling? Just who really cares?

Whiners!!!! OOOHHHH nasty us when we just need to go there? and Braggers!!!! Yuck? It is no wonder that we answer "fine" when we are asked how we are. I bet everyone that reads this blog knows exactly what I mean and have felt it many times in life. I suppose that answering fine is our way of protecting ourselves from people who may have pet peeves about such conversations, like me. And you know what it really is. Jealousy and fear. Fear of how things can be so bad and Jealousy of what others have. Now there is honesty for you. :)<3

Woe!!! Hold On There!!!!

So everyday I learn something new about myself and everyday I also am reminded of things I already knew about myself. Somethings I do not want to know or be reminded of and others... well... are kind of happy, aha , nonscence or purposeful things. Either way they are here and well I should embrace them? Or should I?

So today I went to see my therapist. I will just call him Doc. So what is it that he said? Hum.... Oh of course we were talking about me and somehow we got on the subject of my depression. Big surprise talking to my therapist right? so anyway depression... blah blah blah and boom where does this lead us??? Right to where I beat up on myself. Oh yes, right to that subject. Ah! now I remember this conversation all stemmed from talking about my Mom, and approval, and all of that sweet stuff that we should receive in life wrapped up in a little invisible bow, with a life time warranty on the day we are born that majority of us don't get. (Now if you can't handle what I just wrote then please just stop reading here, because it just gets worse from here, but is my truth). All of this drudged up what I already knew and do not want to be reminded of. I really do not like myself. As a matter of fact I really hate myself. Woe!!! Hold on there!!! Yup you heard me right, I really really hate myself. Why? When I am so likable? Well for starters I have this thing called depression which makes me at times undesirable to be around. This also causes me when in full force to sit and ponder about the many ways I hate myself and my life (husband and kids not included) and then I eat. When I eat I gain weight, and I stop taking care of me, and I grow and grow and then I wonder why do I do this? Then I think I am finding comfort, or maybe just maybe this is my punishment. My way to a slow death. Think about it exceptible suicide. Maybe? Then I realize that everything is my fault, that is why my life sucks and that is why I suck. However on a lighter note... I am not hating on myself today.

So all of this hate and beating up my Doc listens to and He says this is your tender spot that people can get too so easy. The spot where you need approval. Approval was my safety net growing up. I know I am okay if people are smiling at me, hugging me, and giving me those thumbs. Praise praise praise me. Anything else just plain scares me. The other thing that scares me is that I judge people by how they look at me. 9 times out of 10 I know the first time I meet someone whether or not we will get along or if I can or cannot trust them. Seldom am I surprised. When I am I am usually hurt or disappointed in the end. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give and I give to anyone but When the big "bite in the a$$" comes out of nowhere I feel so betrayed and all those nasty feelings come back. Why would I expect any different? That is what I do to me. People say you can't be likable if you can't even like yourself. Funny I find that I am liked by many. Isn't it also strange that it just isn't enough? Selfish? Addiction? I wish I knew because to be honest with you, all of this hate and hits are tiring, and unhealthy and very abusive. I deserve better. We all deserve better. Don't we?

Back in the Saddle

I think I am finally back in the Saddle. I have been working diligently on my wii board and have already achieved my first goal. So a new weight goal has been set.
I am feeling lighter than usual and no not because I have lost some weight but things seem interesting and better somehow. I am excited and seem to have a bit of spring in my step. I think I need to keep myself very busy. So between the school, my blog, chads office, the homeschooling, and the cookbook.... well I am full. This is good stuff you know. Sitting idle is not my bag, unless I am depressed and then look out couch because here comes wendy and probable some comfort chocolate to boot.

My health??? well that is kind of a worry. Not bad and not really a worry but just trying to figure out what to do next. My legs are driving me crazy at night along with my arms. We have bumped up the meds for that as far as I can go; so now I am happy that. I am going to finally see a neurologist and maybe get this annoyance figured out. other than that all seems well.

The computer issue seems to be working itself out and well looks as though in a couple of weeks I will own a new Dell by help of my mom. That is the crazy part. She really hasn't been too supportive of me going to college, but she has put her best foot forward and has offered to send me the money to get the computer and I can repay her when the financial aid kicks in. Win Win for me I hope. I hate having to have help though. feel like I am toddling like a baby. Awe I will take care of her someday in return. I wish I could now.

My Friend kelly and I made our inspirational tee's yesturday. Yes thanks to Monique mine says "I Rock"!!! It is absolutely perfect. As a matter of fact my daugher wanted the saying. I told her without a doubt "No". So she came up with "I'm Awesome" Perfect for her. My Friend who is trying to unload an exhubby and exboy friend we made 2 for. Hers say "finding my freedom" and "Men are stupid... throw rocks at them" :P Made for good comic relief and fun. I even made homemade chex mix for the tee party. Now that is funny "Tee Party". I never thought of that one until now. We are going to do it again soon.

Over all crazy week but a good crazy. Good Crazy week = Less feeling Crazy Wendy!!!

There are Angels on Earth

Okay so here I am maybe 2 weeks away from starting school and the reality that my computer has shit the bed is right in my face. I didn't want to believe it because it is maybe quite possibly the worst time for this to happen. I don't have the money yet for another and financial aid just told me that my stypin check will take 2 months atleast to get to me so I can get a new computer. ARGH!!! s@#$, #^&*, and other cuss words. I am definetly frustrated and do you know what is worse? I cry. Yup, when I am totally frustrated I cry. So the tears fall and I feel like a fool because I must look like an incredible baby. If not I feel like one. So off to the business office I go. Now here is how I know Angels exist on Earth:

I tell him that my computer has died and that for the next few weeks, months, whatever I will need to use his computer for classes and that most importantly every monday during the hours of 1-3 I will need a computer reserved for me because I cannot miss my live classes.
His responce "No Problem"
I tell him I need microsoft office, powerpoint and excel.
Again "No problem and over here at this computer it has the 2007 version" which is exactly what I need.
Then he says "I will even give you a student discount". Amazing!!!

My Advisor was on the phone with me at the sametime telling me "Wendy don't worry we are going to make this happen for you and I will work dillegently on getting that check to you as soon as it comes in. Then we talk and he eases my mind with his wonderful stories of life and listens to mine in return.

I am Humbled. I feel like crying now not because I am frustrated but because I am so lucky. I have 2 extra Angels on my side. They are here on Earth and truely making my life way easier. And you know what???? I have a lot more Angels than that when I think about it. I have all of my wonderful friends who cheer and become my own personal pep squad. I have been shown so much support and love. Thank You God for all That you do for me and Thank you for my Angels. If you think you are one of them. Yup you are:)

?????!!!!

Well I usually start writing with a topic in mind but today I am just going where ever my thoughts take me. Best times: the best time as a child was when we went to maine. I was our first family vacation. I had seafood that wasn't frozen for the first time and play in the arcade. We played at the ocean but only stayed 1 night because all it did was rain. Then I cried almost all the way home. We didn't vacation again for many years but still a good memory.

In preschool my parents had split for awhile. My Dad come to pick me up with Uncle Garth (no relation) in his 18 wheeler with a sleeper. I had a blast riding over to rutland. I remember eating a truck stop,and my friend Laurie making a slecial clock out of a paper bag and construction paper just so she could keep track of time until I got there. Dad took me to the mall and bought me a Smurf record. I had the best time. My younger sister accidently broke the record. I cried. I got punished for crying and shipped off to bed for the day.

Balogna ends. That is what Gram & Gramp gave us at the store to eat instead of candy. It was the best. All of us kids lined up eating balogna ends and watching Water Kronkite with Gramp. I love my Gram & Gramp so much.

Making forts with Kim and Buzz. We used real wood and nails. Tonkas, and cow boys and indians. Buzz used to make this awesome gun shooting sound. I think only boys can make that sound. I had to settle for the old "BANG BANG".

Stealing carrots out of Evelynn Jones garden. We would eat them dirt and all. We were always watching so we didn't get caught. I later found out the joke was on us. She used to sit up in her window and watch all of us kids laughing. She even planted extra the following years. Cheers!!!!

Swimming lessons and rootbeer barrels.

Rollerskating until my sister let her friend use my strawberry shortcake rollerskates. Somehow she broke 1 of them in 1/2. Man that sucked. Again in trouble for being upset. But I loved them. Okay apparently I need to purchase myself some roller skates.

Writing letters to Santa, and leaving him cracker wrappers because they looked like coupons. Jackfrost on the windows.

Peeling lead paint off gail leblancs molding. That was the funnest part of nap time.

The day I stopped sucking my thumb and I was woken up from my nap to make cookies to celebrate.

It is a nice reminder that not all was bad. I guess life is like a salad. Parts of it can be quite enjoyable and other parts you just need to pick out and throw away..... like black olives, tofu, anchovies, artichokes etc. You get the idea. I guess the important part is to throw it away though instead of eating it to be polite like I was told to do, after all, all it does is pro long the suffering.

Just When you think you don't have it together.... you realize you really don't

Well just when I realized I didn't have it together.... well I realized I really didn't and then again that beating that one gives themselves begin. I cannot tell you how much over the past year I have beat myself up. Maybe it is because I feel that most expect more out of the great "Stephen Holcomb" and Dian's children. I know I think that way sometime so why wouldn't others. They really had it together didn't they? I mean as a child as far as clothes or food or medical/dental I was a well maintained child. Had a beautiful home (that I still love today. That old house has stories hidden and I love to find a bit of old spray painted words or holes if I can and try to figure out what happened or what it could all mean)3 good children and a nice savings account. Welfare was bad, subsidized housing was for the no good, and you better be respectful and hard working along with other great things that we like to think we all are.

Over the years I have broken the Holcomb House Hold rules. My way of breaking away I guess. I got engaged with out my fiance asking permission. My father didn't talk to me all summer that year. I lived in subsidized housing and loved it. My parents never came to visit. I moved into a trailer. Well you can guess what that was. I married a man who vowed never to become a Free Mason because he never wanted to join a group that would ask him to keep secrets from his wife. So my husband was no son of Stephens. Has 2 children, each a blessing to me.... and for my parents an "OH NO" but now a blessing. I have been a free spirit and allowed my children to be so they would always feel comfortable in their skin. No understood by my Mom who now assumes the only parental position in my life. I tried pot once....it gives me terrible migrains so not for me. However the person that I did it with was sitting at a coffee shop with my Dad one day and my father (who was unaware) announced that no one ever better give his wendy pot or he would kill him. My friend couldn't wait to tell me laughing his butt off. I have worked at low class places and quite happily at times. I do not have anything to my name. No home, No land, No stock, No savings... nothing. I don't even own my car yet.
WELL I FEEL LIKE CRAP ABOUT IT NOW!!!! THIS REALLY ISN'T MY LIFE RIGHT???? I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AND HAVE SO MUCH MORE. I feel like a failure and what is worse? A big fat failure.

I am Wendy Tanner. I am 37 years old. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have to sweet children who love me. I love them all too and would never change having them as part of my life. They truely are the only things I really ever did right. At least for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety. See my therapist ever 2 weeks which is a necessity. We live in our office space and barely make ends meet and I think that is what makes me feel worst of all. I know at least it is a roof over our heads and I thank God everyday but man who wants or feels that it is truly right to bring up your children in one room? No cable, no internet, no extras and yet still struggle. You see this is where that hideous and brutal beating begins.

However I learned something over the last few weeks (and before I begin let me apologize for my previous whining. Sorry I take that back. I apologize too much I am told. Not always healthy) For all of this bad, and the beatings I realize what I will and will not tolerate. I will do what I have to do, even if it means living in a small space as long as we survive and continue to try to better ourselves. This is what made me realize I AM NOT TO OLD TO GO TO COLLEGE and change my life for the better.... just maybe scared. I will continue to appreciate my small but loving family and try to always find comfort in them when I am feeling down. I will continue to try to steer myself away from those HOLCOMB BELIEFS and follow my own beliefs that there is a lot of good in even those (who may hold the title in some jerks minds) of the lowest of people. They are usually kinder anyway. I will also try to accept myself for who I am when I figure that one out, But most of all right now I am going to throw myself into learning the profession that I think will answer all of those questions I have deep down and help me to help others do the same. Someday I know that I will realize that when I think I have it all together I really do :)

DOES THIS MAKE SENCE?????