Friday, March 5, 2010

Just When you think you don't have it together.... you realize you really don't

Well just when I realized I didn't have it together.... well I realized I really didn't and then again that beating that one gives themselves begin. I cannot tell you how much over the past year I have beat myself up. Maybe it is because I feel that most expect more out of the great "Stephen Holcomb" and Dian's children. I know I think that way sometime so why wouldn't others. They really had it together didn't they? I mean as a child as far as clothes or food or medical/dental I was a well maintained child. Had a beautiful home (that I still love today. That old house has stories hidden and I love to find a bit of old spray painted words or holes if I can and try to figure out what happened or what it could all mean)3 good children and a nice savings account. Welfare was bad, subsidized housing was for the no good, and you better be respectful and hard working along with other great things that we like to think we all are.

Over the years I have broken the Holcomb House Hold rules. My way of breaking away I guess. I got engaged with out my fiance asking permission. My father didn't talk to me all summer that year. I lived in subsidized housing and loved it. My parents never came to visit. I moved into a trailer. Well you can guess what that was. I married a man who vowed never to become a Free Mason because he never wanted to join a group that would ask him to keep secrets from his wife. So my husband was no son of Stephens. Has 2 children, each a blessing to me.... and for my parents an "OH NO" but now a blessing. I have been a free spirit and allowed my children to be so they would always feel comfortable in their skin. No understood by my Mom who now assumes the only parental position in my life. I tried pot gives me terrible migrains so not for me. However the person that I did it with was sitting at a coffee shop with my Dad one day and my father (who was unaware) announced that no one ever better give his wendy pot or he would kill him. My friend couldn't wait to tell me laughing his butt off. I have worked at low class places and quite happily at times. I do not have anything to my name. No home, No land, No stock, No savings... nothing. I don't even own my car yet.
WELL I FEEL LIKE CRAP ABOUT IT NOW!!!! THIS REALLY ISN'T MY LIFE RIGHT???? I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AND HAVE SO MUCH MORE. I feel like a failure and what is worse? A big fat failure.

I am Wendy Tanner. I am 37 years old. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have to sweet children who love me. I love them all too and would never change having them as part of my life. They truely are the only things I really ever did right. At least for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety. See my therapist ever 2 weeks which is a necessity. We live in our office space and barely make ends meet and I think that is what makes me feel worst of all. I know at least it is a roof over our heads and I thank God everyday but man who wants or feels that it is truly right to bring up your children in one room? No cable, no internet, no extras and yet still struggle. You see this is where that hideous and brutal beating begins.

However I learned something over the last few weeks (and before I begin let me apologize for my previous whining. Sorry I take that back. I apologize too much I am told. Not always healthy) For all of this bad, and the beatings I realize what I will and will not tolerate. I will do what I have to do, even if it means living in a small space as long as we survive and continue to try to better ourselves. This is what made me realize I AM NOT TO OLD TO GO TO COLLEGE and change my life for the better.... just maybe scared. I will continue to appreciate my small but loving family and try to always find comfort in them when I am feeling down. I will continue to try to steer myself away from those HOLCOMB BELIEFS and follow my own beliefs that there is a lot of good in even those (who may hold the title in some jerks minds) of the lowest of people. They are usually kinder anyway. I will also try to accept myself for who I am when I figure that one out, But most of all right now I am going to throw myself into learning the profession that I think will answer all of those questions I have deep down and help me to help others do the same. Someday I know that I will realize that when I think I have it all together I really do :)


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