Sunday, March 28, 2010

I could really use the advice.

Everything is still okay so far. I have started school and seem to be settling in fine there, and finances are a bit better this week. of course we really will learn the real answer to that on the first when paychecks come out.

As you know I have this really big problem with rejection, and feeling disposable, etc. Well I really have tried to move beyond that but it is one of my biggest weaknesses. Having family and friends in my life be proud of me is important for that reason. I feel less likely to be shoved aside and pushed away. I know a you all get what I mean. So here is what I need the advice on. I have reached out to an old friend tonight and I am sooo afraid. You see this persons daughter and I had a falling out (we were very close like sisters). My feelings were hurt when her mother seemed to be taking sides (she really tried to stay out of it). I guess it really wasn't that she was taking a side that killed me it was the fact that our conversations became uncomfortable if this girls name was brought up. I tried to let her talk about her but she pulled out the "well you probably don't want to even hear about her now" card. I realized then that it was causing a wedge and that our conversations would never quite be the same for awhile. I had to walk away.

I was about that time that my social anxiety and paranoia really crept in. I was always afraid to run into anyone in their family (except for this girls sister, she always treated me the same). I was afraid to go to burlington because this friend and her brother were living there. I felt like if I was there I had to watch around every corner to hide. I felt so much shame in what had happened eventhough it was out of my control and could never have been prevented. I was afraid to be in Hardwick because the mother was in the area. So Chad had a chance to go to Hawaii and this gave me a solution and a way to hide from everyone and the shame, and guilt I was feeling.

Everything in Hawaii was great for a long time. I had found peace and grew up a lot, And well you know the rest of that story. I have realized since though that I have a lot more to miss back home than to run from. I have been pondering for the last couple of Christmas's over whether or not I should get ahold of my EX friends mother and say hello and try to move on. I tried with the brother and thought that I made some progress but have now realized he is not a friend or atleast not the kind of friend who is good for me. I wrote him and asked if he felt we were friends resently after he has been on my facebook for over a year. He chose not to respond. After a month I erased him. I got my answer. So back to the mother. I reached out to her and sent her a message last night that I would like to talk with her but on the phone. I let her know that this was hard for me. I do not know if she will get back in touch with me but that is what scares me. I am sure that part of me will be crushed if she chooses not to get back to me. Then again maybe it isn't such a good thing to get together again. Maybe facing this fear is good? Maybe sometimes fear should just be left alone. Part of me says no matter what I faced what drove me away... maybe that is just enough. I do not know? Advice anyone????

1 comment:

  1. I think you are super brave for reaching out at all, and that just that alone has made you grow. If this person is not adult enough to respond that I say move on with your life knowing that you at least tried to reach out and it is her loss not yours. You are an amazing abd brave woman, I admire your courage and am so very proud you are my friend.