Monday, March 15, 2010

Woe!!! Hold On There!!!!

So everyday I learn something new about myself and everyday I also am reminded of things I already knew about myself. Somethings I do not want to know or be reminded of and others... well... are kind of happy, aha , nonscence or purposeful things. Either way they are here and well I should embrace them? Or should I?

So today I went to see my therapist. I will just call him Doc. So what is it that he said? Hum.... Oh of course we were talking about me and somehow we got on the subject of my depression. Big surprise talking to my therapist right? so anyway depression... blah blah blah and boom where does this lead us??? Right to where I beat up on myself. Oh yes, right to that subject. Ah! now I remember this conversation all stemmed from talking about my Mom, and approval, and all of that sweet stuff that we should receive in life wrapped up in a little invisible bow, with a life time warranty on the day we are born that majority of us don't get. (Now if you can't handle what I just wrote then please just stop reading here, because it just gets worse from here, but is my truth). All of this drudged up what I already knew and do not want to be reminded of. I really do not like myself. As a matter of fact I really hate myself. Woe!!! Hold on there!!! Yup you heard me right, I really really hate myself. Why? When I am so likable? Well for starters I have this thing called depression which makes me at times undesirable to be around. This also causes me when in full force to sit and ponder about the many ways I hate myself and my life (husband and kids not included) and then I eat. When I eat I gain weight, and I stop taking care of me, and I grow and grow and then I wonder why do I do this? Then I think I am finding comfort, or maybe just maybe this is my punishment. My way to a slow death. Think about it exceptible suicide. Maybe? Then I realize that everything is my fault, that is why my life sucks and that is why I suck. However on a lighter note... I am not hating on myself today.

So all of this hate and beating up my Doc listens to and He says this is your tender spot that people can get too so easy. The spot where you need approval. Approval was my safety net growing up. I know I am okay if people are smiling at me, hugging me, and giving me those thumbs. Praise praise praise me. Anything else just plain scares me. The other thing that scares me is that I judge people by how they look at me. 9 times out of 10 I know the first time I meet someone whether or not we will get along or if I can or cannot trust them. Seldom am I surprised. When I am I am usually hurt or disappointed in the end. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give and I give to anyone but When the big "bite in the a$$" comes out of nowhere I feel so betrayed and all those nasty feelings come back. Why would I expect any different? That is what I do to me. People say you can't be likable if you can't even like yourself. Funny I find that I am liked by many. Isn't it also strange that it just isn't enough? Selfish? Addiction? I wish I knew because to be honest with you, all of this hate and hits are tiring, and unhealthy and very abusive. I deserve better. We all deserve better. Don't we?


  1. I wish I could say the magic words to make your pain go away, then you could turn around and do the same for me!! I am dealing with depression right now, and although I think it's for different reasons, I do the same things. I sit and think, and can't get the energy to do anything.... (housework) then I feel worse, and then I eat!! It's such a vicious cycle. I want to get moving, stop eating bad things, and feel good about my life, but no matter what I do, I just end up back in the same place. You see, I had a good childhood, with acceptance and support and good parents, but now, I am the failure ( or that's the way I see it) I can't give my kids the things they want, or sometimes even the things that they need, and have to rely on others WAY too much. I am a pretty intelligent person, I know right from wrong, but living things is much different than watching other people live it and judging them.
    You have done a very admirable thing!! You turned your life around (no matter how you are hurting) broke the cycle of abuse, and are giving your children a better life, filled with caring, good morals and love!! You are amazing Wen and I love you!!!

  2. I think you are so likable because you are looking for approval and you will do anything to get it, therefor you bend over backward for friends and family and forget yourself. It makes you easy to prey on and take advantage of as well, and this is what bites you in the A$$. Just my thoughts. take care of you first. ~Tamra