So everyday I learn something new about myself and everyday I also am reminded of things I already knew about myself. Somethings I do not want to know or be reminded of and others... well... are kind of happy, aha , nonscence or purposeful things. Either way they are here and well I should embrace them? Or should I?
So today I went to see my therapist. I will just call him Doc. So what is it that he said? Hum.... Oh of course we were talking about me and somehow we got on the subject of my depression. Big surprise talking to my therapist right? so anyway depression... blah blah blah and boom where does this lead us??? Right to where I beat up on myself. Oh yes, right to that subject. Ah! now I remember this conversation all stemmed from talking about my Mom, and approval, and all of that sweet stuff that we should receive in life wrapped up in a little invisible bow, with a life time warranty on the day we are born that majority of us don't get. (Now if you can't handle what I just wrote then please just stop reading here, because it just gets worse from here, but is my truth). All of this drudged up what I already knew and do not want to be reminded of. I really do not like myself. As a matter of fact I really hate myself. Woe!!! Hold on there!!! Yup you heard me right, I really really hate myself. Why? When I am so likable? Well for starters I have this thing called depression which makes me at times undesirable to be around. This also causes me when in full force to sit and ponder about the many ways I hate myself and my life (husband and kids not included) and then I eat. When I eat I gain weight, and I stop taking care of me, and I grow and grow and then I wonder why do I do this? Then I think I am finding comfort, or maybe just maybe this is my punishment. My way to a slow death. Think about it exceptible suicide. Maybe? Then I realize that everything is my fault, that is why my life sucks and that is why I suck. However on a lighter note... I am not hating on myself today.
So all of this hate and beating up my Doc listens to and He says this is your tender spot that people can get too so easy. The spot where you need approval. Approval was my safety net growing up. I know I am okay if people are smiling at me, hugging me, and giving me those thumbs. Praise praise praise me. Anything else just plain scares me. The other thing that scares me is that I judge people by how they look at me. 9 times out of 10 I know the first time I meet someone whether or not we will get along or if I can or cannot trust them. Seldom am I surprised. When I am I am usually hurt or disappointed in the end. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give and I give to anyone but When the big "bite in the a$$" comes out of nowhere I feel so betrayed and all those nasty feelings come back. Why would I expect any different? That is what I do to me. People say you can't be likable if you can't even like yourself. Funny I find that I am liked by many. Isn't it also strange that it just isn't enough? Selfish? Addiction? I wish I knew because to be honest with you, all of this hate and hits are tiring, and unhealthy and very abusive. I deserve better. We all deserve better. Don't we?