Well just when I realized I didn't have it together.... well I realized I really didn't and then again that beating that one gives themselves begin. I cannot tell you how much over the past year I have beat myself up. Maybe it is because I feel that most expect more out of the great "Stephen Holcomb" and Dian's children. I know I think that way sometime so why wouldn't others. They really had it together didn't they? I mean as a child as far as clothes or food or medical/dental I was a well maintained child. Had a beautiful home (that I still love today. That old house has stories hidden and I love to find a bit of old spray painted words or holes if I can and try to figure out what happened or what it could all mean)3 good children and a nice savings account. Welfare was bad, subsidized housing was for the no good, and you better be respectful and hard working along with other great things that we like to think we all are.
Over the years I have broken the Holcomb House Hold rules. My way of breaking away I guess. I got engaged with out my fiance asking permission. My father didn't talk to me all summer that year. I lived in subsidized housing and loved it. My parents never came to visit. I moved into a trailer. Well you can guess what that was. I married a man who vowed never to become a Free Mason because he never wanted to join a group that would ask him to keep secrets from his wife. So my husband was no son of Stephens. Has 2 children, each a blessing to me.... and for my parents an "OH NO" but now a blessing. I have been a free spirit and allowed my children to be so they would always feel comfortable in their skin. No understood by my Mom who now assumes the only parental position in my life. I tried pot once....it gives me terrible migrains so not for me. However the person that I did it with was sitting at a coffee shop with my Dad one day and my father (who was unaware) announced that no one ever better give his wendy pot or he would kill him. My friend couldn't wait to tell me laughing his butt off. I have worked at low class places and quite happily at times. I do not have anything to my name. No home, No land, No stock, No savings... nothing. I don't even own my car yet.
WELL I FEEL LIKE CRAP ABOUT IT NOW!!!! THIS REALLY ISN'T MY LIFE RIGHT???? I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AND HAVE SO MUCH MORE. I feel like a failure and what is worse? A big fat failure.
I am Wendy Tanner. I am 37 years old. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have to sweet children who love me. I love them all too and would never change having them as part of my life. They truely are the only things I really ever did right. At least for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety. See my therapist ever 2 weeks which is a necessity. We live in our office space and barely make ends meet and I think that is what makes me feel worst of all. I know at least it is a roof over our heads and I thank God everyday but man who wants or feels that it is truly right to bring up your children in one room? No cable, no internet, no extras and yet still struggle. You see this is where that hideous and brutal beating begins.
However I learned something over the last few weeks (and before I begin let me apologize for my previous whining. Sorry I take that back. I apologize too much I am told. Not always healthy) For all of this bad, and the beatings I realize what I will and will not tolerate. I will do what I have to do, even if it means living in a small space as long as we survive and continue to try to better ourselves. This is what made me realize I AM NOT TO OLD TO GO TO COLLEGE and change my life for the better.... just maybe scared. I will continue to appreciate my small but loving family and try to always find comfort in them when I am feeling down. I will continue to try to steer myself away from those HOLCOMB BELIEFS and follow my own beliefs that there is a lot of good in even those (who may hold the title in some jerks minds) of the lowest of people. They are usually kinder anyway. I will also try to accept myself for who I am when I figure that one out, But most of all right now I am going to throw myself into learning the profession that I think will answer all of those questions I have deep down and help me to help others do the same. Someday I know that I will realize that when I think I have it all together I really do :)
DOES THIS MAKE SENCE?????
Friday, March 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
reminder to myself... be greatful
I need to remind myself to be greatful. I have several stories. Some may remind you of someone but may not be who you think. Some may make you cry and others you may see a silver lining. What ever it is you get from them maybe different than what I got or others got from them. It doesn't matter as long as at the end of the day you are a bit more greatful for what you may or may not have. Here it goes.
Once upon a time there was once a beautiful little girl. She had a very rough life growing up and was a handful herself. She started drinking and partying and soon she was hooked on drugs. She moved from place to place always in search of happiness. She royally messed up her life and later found love and acceptance from a biker. The biker liked his cigs, drugs and drink. They had 2 beautiful girls. The girls grew up tough with attitude and found out in their early teen years that their mom (the orginal girl that this story is about) had cancer. She beat her cancer and began smoking again and it wasn't long before the cancer returned. Yet again she beat the cancer but this time her hair fell out and the chemo burnt up her esophogus. Repeatedly her throat would have to be stretched just to be able to swallow again. Although this beautiful but sad girl had beat cancer twice yet again she began to smoke, and her husband smoked around her. This girl was just diagnosed with brain cancer. She has 5 tumors on her brain in different locations.
Once upon a time there was a scared little girl. She was always in fear of messing up and getting into trouble so she never really lived life. She met her fiance in high school and had big dreams for a college and an education in culinary arts. However, those were her dreams and not of her parents who turned up their noses at her passions and suggested business school instead with a promise of a car. So the girl began her parents dream. Off to business school she went along with her love. Her love went to be an electrical engineer only because he felt envy for his cousin who went to the same school and graduated in the same major and had great success. He wanted to find praise, success and approval from his family. Unfortuately, his major wasn't his strong point and he didn't have the drive or passion. He failed and was kicked out of school. The girl who loved him so missed him and found great depression with him gone and she too dropped out to go follow her man. The girl never got the car but did marry the man of her dreams. They had a couple of children and worked very hard, However, the paychecks were small and other complications with family came in to play. Eventually the husband went back to college and found his passion in life while the girl worked to help him through. Later they moved far away and the husband got a pretty good job but still not good enough. They had no choice but to become homeless in this nasty recession, Living with their 2 children in a small office space secretly. very few people knew and kept their secret for them. Now they still struggle to pay the bills and have nothing to show for all of thier lifes efforts. They are a family, they love each other very much and all though they have nothing they have a strong family bond. They say it is more than most have today.
once upon a time there was a little boy. He grew up in a small town and had many friends. He was a little disabled mentally but that did not stop him from doing everything all of the other little boys and girls did. His family didn't have much, a bit of a run down home and an old truck but he had many brothers and sisters and he loved them all. When this little boy became a teen he was diagnosed with cancer. He went through many painful remedies but was doomed to lose the battle in the end. He died a couple of years later, in the arms of his brothers listening to his favorite rock and roll music on MTV. He finally had peace and was no longer in pain. He left behind many who miss him and never have forgotten him.
I wish I knew wonderful stories of people who had good fortune. People who got the winning lottery ticket when they had nothing, of People who give to those without just to make a difference and I mean giving big. I heard of a story once of a man who had millions and chose every christmas to go and walk the streets and give money to who ever he ran into. I wish I could shake his hand and I wish sometimes I was in the position to be him and put a greatful smile on everyones face. If anyone knows of such a story... well... please share them with me. I could really use them right now.
Once upon a time there was once a beautiful little girl. She had a very rough life growing up and was a handful herself. She started drinking and partying and soon she was hooked on drugs. She moved from place to place always in search of happiness. She royally messed up her life and later found love and acceptance from a biker. The biker liked his cigs, drugs and drink. They had 2 beautiful girls. The girls grew up tough with attitude and found out in their early teen years that their mom (the orginal girl that this story is about) had cancer. She beat her cancer and began smoking again and it wasn't long before the cancer returned. Yet again she beat the cancer but this time her hair fell out and the chemo burnt up her esophogus. Repeatedly her throat would have to be stretched just to be able to swallow again. Although this beautiful but sad girl had beat cancer twice yet again she began to smoke, and her husband smoked around her. This girl was just diagnosed with brain cancer. She has 5 tumors on her brain in different locations.
Once upon a time there was a scared little girl. She was always in fear of messing up and getting into trouble so she never really lived life. She met her fiance in high school and had big dreams for a college and an education in culinary arts. However, those were her dreams and not of her parents who turned up their noses at her passions and suggested business school instead with a promise of a car. So the girl began her parents dream. Off to business school she went along with her love. Her love went to be an electrical engineer only because he felt envy for his cousin who went to the same school and graduated in the same major and had great success. He wanted to find praise, success and approval from his family. Unfortuately, his major wasn't his strong point and he didn't have the drive or passion. He failed and was kicked out of school. The girl who loved him so missed him and found great depression with him gone and she too dropped out to go follow her man. The girl never got the car but did marry the man of her dreams. They had a couple of children and worked very hard, However, the paychecks were small and other complications with family came in to play. Eventually the husband went back to college and found his passion in life while the girl worked to help him through. Later they moved far away and the husband got a pretty good job but still not good enough. They had no choice but to become homeless in this nasty recession, Living with their 2 children in a small office space secretly. very few people knew and kept their secret for them. Now they still struggle to pay the bills and have nothing to show for all of thier lifes efforts. They are a family, they love each other very much and all though they have nothing they have a strong family bond. They say it is more than most have today.
once upon a time there was a little boy. He grew up in a small town and had many friends. He was a little disabled mentally but that did not stop him from doing everything all of the other little boys and girls did. His family didn't have much, a bit of a run down home and an old truck but he had many brothers and sisters and he loved them all. When this little boy became a teen he was diagnosed with cancer. He went through many painful remedies but was doomed to lose the battle in the end. He died a couple of years later, in the arms of his brothers listening to his favorite rock and roll music on MTV. He finally had peace and was no longer in pain. He left behind many who miss him and never have forgotten him.
I wish I knew wonderful stories of people who had good fortune. People who got the winning lottery ticket when they had nothing, of People who give to those without just to make a difference and I mean giving big. I heard of a story once of a man who had millions and chose every christmas to go and walk the streets and give money to who ever he ran into. I wish I could shake his hand and I wish sometimes I was in the position to be him and put a greatful smile on everyones face. If anyone knows of such a story... well... please share them with me. I could really use them right now.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Valentine
valentine's day.... most think it I for lovers only. Well I suppose it kind of is. I am all for a Day that inspires love. There is so much dislike in the world now days just think about it. For example(s)....most of us hate Mondays. When was the last time you had someone say to you "OH GOODY .... IT'S MONDAY"? What did Monday do to anyone except bear the responcibility of being the first day of the work week, only Friday, Saturday & Sunday get the true glory and love. Ever heard the saying " I want it like I want a shot in the a$$" ? Of course that means we really don't want it.... what ever it is we don't like it. However that little shot... that 10 seconds of discomfort should be praised for keeping us well. Some chose to hate the weather. I know because I thought I hated snow... now I realize I love the stuff. Some hate John & Kate.... OK poor example because ... well John & Kate don't put those babies on TV anymore!!! But really we don't know them. They could be messed up like the rest of .... just... hum greedier. We hate war. Yeah I hate it too.... but it has gone on through out history and well I am sure it will not change anytime soon, however we love the good that comes out of it. Yes there is good just ask any Jewish person who is here on earth today because one of their ancestors were saved in WWII. OK now for Valentines Day it's self. Some hate this holiday. They feel it is a waste of money. "The flowers are just going to die and the chocolates will make me fat" . Well that isn't really why now is it. Excuses. It isn't about the gifts it is about who we share the day with. Now I am lucky enough to have found my sweetheart young. I am lucky enough to have 2 wonderful children, I have my Mom, Gram & Sister. I have Awesome friends and what a gift to tell them all HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY and that I love them.
As far as money spent.... to be honest we are so broke there was not money to spend. I made home made cards and still had our Christmas feast in the freezer ( I had surgery christmas eve...so we never really had christmas this last year) so I cooked that and lit a few candles. I set up our dinner table outside, under the stars and put on the love songs. Vertually free. A day of love not of hate. By the way things we love and understandibly so: I am up there with chocolates, music, hot chocolate on a coldday, bon fires, dancing, old movies, the smell of hot apple crisp, playing footsies, skinny dipping, massage,laughter, moon light and stars, ocean water, warm gentile breezes, a good cry, a big bear hug, the first kiss, hot pizza and good company, a shared secret .... so much to love.... but often hate gets all the attention.
As far as money spent.... to be honest we are so broke there was not money to spend. I made home made cards and still had our Christmas feast in the freezer ( I had surgery christmas eve...so we never really had christmas this last year) so I cooked that and lit a few candles. I set up our dinner table outside, under the stars and put on the love songs. Vertually free. A day of love not of hate. By the way things we love and understandibly so: I am up there with chocolates, music, hot chocolate on a coldday, bon fires, dancing, old movies, the smell of hot apple crisp, playing footsies, skinny dipping, massage,laughter, moon light and stars, ocean water, warm gentile breezes, a good cry, a big bear hug, the first kiss, hot pizza and good company, a shared secret .... so much to love.... but often hate gets all the attention.
Friday, February 12, 2010
I feel like Rip Van Winkle
I feel like Rip Van Winkle. Okay so I put my back out 3 days ago and well I am finally feeling better. How did I do this? Well imagine 1 child who isn't feeling well and another feeling unusually ambitious. I get back from my outing with "My Boy" and these 2 children have decided to clean areas that do not need cleaning. They put up screens that shouldn't be up up the way they put them and crack the glass to our display case in the office. So I let it go knowing that they were trying to be helpful but ask they please do not help out in the office any more but to clean up their own space if possible. Then I make sure to let them know that I am taking "My Boy" now and to not do anymore clean up or get ambitious whille I am gone, AND WHAT HAPPPENS???? I get back to my Wyatt crying because he accidently spilled paraphin wax all over the office carpet. My responce??? Thats okay I know how to fix it just don't touch it. Then I walk through the door and it is seemingly the size of Eligo Pond. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! and they tried to vaccume it up with my new vaccuum!!!! and DUG IT IN TO THE C A R P E T !!!!! OOOHhhhh boy, here it goes patients out the window, the rage, the fury!!!! SHEER PANIC!!! Tears start to flow as I see this project that now sits in front of me. Anger, and a quick "get out"!!!! the kids disappeared and I well had a melt down.
Quick get the iron, paper towels, and a puddy knife!!!! no time for dinner "make yourselves peanut butter sandwiches and a glass of milk" I tell the kids. Then on to hours and hours of ironing the rug for Chad and I. Thoughts that run through your mind during this...
#1 I don't have the money to replace this carpet
#2 this "F"s getting back home to VT this year!!!
#3 this carpet SUCKS anyway and needs replacing...Yeah...
#4 WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST STAY OUT OF THE OFFICE
hours later the carpet is passable and we are exhausted. Now I can laugh because those 2 kids never meant to sabotage the evening and I am sure they didn't want Peanut Butter. How quickly after I was mad did they get along and work together to clean up their space, and you know what? I spilt candle wax on my parents rug when I was little and I believe that my parents went through the same emotions. What good came out of that day when I was little is I learned how to take wax out of carpet. Who knew as an adult the lesson would come in handy. Oh by the way cleaning the carpet is how I put my back out so I am sure that my children will never forget either this wax incident and I am sure extra guilt goes along with it for them knowing that I am in pain.
Thank Goodness for painkillers though...
and I guess Thank goodness to lifes little educational moments.
Quick get the iron, paper towels, and a puddy knife!!!! no time for dinner "make yourselves peanut butter sandwiches and a glass of milk" I tell the kids. Then on to hours and hours of ironing the rug for Chad and I. Thoughts that run through your mind during this...
#1 I don't have the money to replace this carpet
#2 this "F"s getting back home to VT this year!!!
#3 this carpet SUCKS anyway and needs replacing...Yeah...
#4 WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST STAY OUT OF THE OFFICE
hours later the carpet is passable and we are exhausted. Now I can laugh because those 2 kids never meant to sabotage the evening and I am sure they didn't want Peanut Butter. How quickly after I was mad did they get along and work together to clean up their space, and you know what? I spilt candle wax on my parents rug when I was little and I believe that my parents went through the same emotions. What good came out of that day when I was little is I learned how to take wax out of carpet. Who knew as an adult the lesson would come in handy. Oh by the way cleaning the carpet is how I put my back out so I am sure that my children will never forget either this wax incident and I am sure extra guilt goes along with it for them knowing that I am in pain.
Thank Goodness for painkillers though...
and I guess Thank goodness to lifes little educational moments.
Monday, February 8, 2010
OK So Here's The Deal
Okay so here's the deal.... No I still do not have the internet at the office however I realize that I need my blog. So here I am at the local library while my time ticks away before it shuts down on me. Until my situation ends.... well.... these will be recipe free blogs. However blogs full of meaning to me and well who ever feels the same that I do sometimes.
So as most of you know I recently lost a loved one and the reason why I know most of you know is because I had a wonderful time with you while visiting home. I have to tell you life in Hawaii hasn't been the same since my visit and well only one of you really until today knows what I have been going through and I thank this person for their words and ears. It is not habit for me to call someone during my time of need but I felt such a pull to call this person and it truly was the right thing to do. I have learned a lot by being so far away from my true home. I have learned to stand on my own and I have grown up a whole lot. I have learned not to take all of you special people for granted and try to say everything I can to let you know what you mean to me.... just in case anything should ever happen while I am away. I never want to feel like I never told someone something and carry it with me forever. I have learned that the ones who really care are there no matter what and maybe sometimes life needs a good review to move on and make the best choices for youself. These lessons I have not taken lightly.
Loosing my Gramp has put me in such a place I have never been before and to be honest I am not 100% sure why. I prayed that Gramp would be taken Christmas day and the good Lord answered my prayers. I thought I was fine. Being here made me realize a few things (time for that life review). We may come home a bit sooner than expected #1. We will see. #2 (I have shared this with only 1 friend) When I was home I should have inhaled my time with all of you a whole lot deeper or exhaled it a little slower because you all mean so much to me and I am feeling the loss of you all too. #3 Thanks to a very close friend... who laughed at me during our talk because Wendy just hasn't figured out that she is not super woman all the time (thanks for laughing I really needed it... seriously) I have learned to (let me see how did this person put it?) sob like a ninney.
Finally I am feeling better and that is why I can share with you now and begin to move on again. Wendy is getting her groove back!!!
Whooo Hooo!!!!
So as most of you know I recently lost a loved one and the reason why I know most of you know is because I had a wonderful time with you while visiting home. I have to tell you life in Hawaii hasn't been the same since my visit and well only one of you really until today knows what I have been going through and I thank this person for their words and ears. It is not habit for me to call someone during my time of need but I felt such a pull to call this person and it truly was the right thing to do. I have learned a lot by being so far away from my true home. I have learned to stand on my own and I have grown up a whole lot. I have learned not to take all of you special people for granted and try to say everything I can to let you know what you mean to me.... just in case anything should ever happen while I am away. I never want to feel like I never told someone something and carry it with me forever. I have learned that the ones who really care are there no matter what and maybe sometimes life needs a good review to move on and make the best choices for youself. These lessons I have not taken lightly.
Loosing my Gramp has put me in such a place I have never been before and to be honest I am not 100% sure why. I prayed that Gramp would be taken Christmas day and the good Lord answered my prayers. I thought I was fine. Being here made me realize a few things (time for that life review). We may come home a bit sooner than expected #1. We will see. #2 (I have shared this with only 1 friend) When I was home I should have inhaled my time with all of you a whole lot deeper or exhaled it a little slower because you all mean so much to me and I am feeling the loss of you all too. #3 Thanks to a very close friend... who laughed at me during our talk because Wendy just hasn't figured out that she is not super woman all the time (thanks for laughing I really needed it... seriously) I have learned to (let me see how did this person put it?) sob like a ninney.
Finally I am feeling better and that is why I can share with you now and begin to move on again. Wendy is getting her groove back!!!
Whooo Hooo!!!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Getting Creative
Well I fully intended on making Mac Nut Mahi for dinner, however my nuts are MIA and now I have to pull some creativity out of me and create a dinner with the few ingredience I have left. We have already begun moving some of the kitchen stuff so a lot isn't here. So let me see I have Broccoli, garlic, parm cheese, crackers,some spices, tomatoes, and potatoes and some oils. Well that is definetly plenty. I think I will create a Broccoli and Herb encrusted Mahi. So this is what I will do. I have 5 perfectly portioned pieces of Mahi Mahi. I am putting them into a sprayed casserole pan. Now I am taking the broccoli and mincing up just the crowns. maybe about 1/2 cup. Now take the garlic and mince it up... just a clove. Now sprinkle the Broccoli, and the garlic on to the fish. Add a sprinkle of salt and pepper across the top of that. Now I am taking my crackers which I have 12 of and I am crumbling it over the top of the broccoli covered fish. A little fresh Rosemary and a spray of pam cooking spray on top and wow it looks like it is going to be great!!! Into the oven that I had preheated to 350 and bake for about 35 minutes. Now for the side dish. I have some potatoes, tomatoes and lettuce. I will cook my potatoes that I have chunked up in the mircrowave for about 7 minutes. By the way I cut up about 4 cups of potatoes and added some fresh Rosemary to cook with it. Once it came out of the microwave I added salt and pepper to taste, some fresh garlic, and put it in the refridgerator to cool. OOOHHH that fish is smelling good. I am sooo excited. Now that my fish is done. I have set it aside to cool while I finish up the side dish. So out comes the potatoes from the fridge and I am adding some Italian dressing, about 7 cherry tomatoes I have cut up into quarters and now stir. I am making a bed of lettuce to lay the potatoe salad on (by the way I have decided to name this Red, White and Blue potato and tomato salad) and then I put just a slight sprinkle of parm cheese on that. Now plate up the Mahi and just a squeeze of fresh lemon over that and wow it looks great, but it isn't really the look that counts now is it so let me taste. OMG... try this you will love it. It is fabulous. Remember if you cannot get Mahi the other fish you can use as substitues are: Haddock, orange roughy, Talapia, and even Codd.
Getting creative comes natural to me in the kitchen and when it comes to keeping secrets. I am thankful not to be carrying them around with me anymore. I still choose to harbor a few and will forever but they are mine and some still too embarassing to deal with and are not really worth dealing with for now. I am sure many people have atleast one of those. I am okay with it and the weight of all my secrets do not seem as heavy as they used to. It seems funny to me all of the secrets that we choose to keep though. I mean back when our parents were growing up look at how much was just filed away. Like my father for instance. His biological Mother was sent away when she was pregnant for him. It was a secret. It still is a secret. You didn't talk about depression or anxieties back then because it must mean you are crazy. Wonderful that now we can have children out of wedlock and we are still for the most part excepted, and we can have our issues and not get locked up for them. Everything for me when I was growing up was a secret. If you remember me back then well I guess you know part of the reason why I was so quiet. I was afraid to talk or say something that may hurt my parents business. We had to be picture perfect and squeaky clean. No make up, No boy friends, No going to places like CG's because it would give me a bad name, so much to be afraid of. My first boyfriend from Calais was a secret. I couldn't let my parents know. The rule was no dating until you are 16 and he had to be approved. My parents would have never approved of Andy. He was a rebel. Loved rock n roll, wore ripped jeans, had long hair and talked dirty. He made my heart fludder... everything I hope my daughter doesn't bring home. That lasted until school and we seldom saw each other after and another boy from my school was catching my eye. This boy was nice, a hard worker, a year older and my parents liked him. Dating Maurice was easy. why? No secrets... it was much better and I didn't have to make up a lie to see him. He ended up being my first real love. Funny how we don't talk anymore really (not because we dislike each other but more because of circumstances) how much we both have changed. Nothing really left in common. Sometimes I miss his friendship but maybe for him it is more comfortable that way. I guess what I am saying is that I feel he doesn't miss mine, and I hate being accused of still having feeling for him when I haven't seen him in years. Finally the Love of my life, Chad. I had a crush on him for so long, and the funny thing is I still do. No secret to anyone. Anyway a little off track here going down memory lane.
What I really am trying to say is life is way easier with out having to watch ever step you make or worry about what can or cannot come out of your mouth. Secrets I suppose are for those who have little to no self esteem. I am not perfect. My family is not perfect but no one is perfect. I had a child friend who stopped being my friend because he thought my family was perfect. Oh if he only knew. There is only 1 thing I have asked my kids to keep a secret only to spare them from being picked at. A lot of people would not understand. This secret for us is a happy and safe secret. we look forward to it. That is all I will say about it unless I choose to tell you in person it is ours to keep. I think secrets are okay as long as they are like, hum, GIFTS. This secret is a gift. A wonderful gift. This gift of a secret gives them self esteem and allowes them to look at their world as shapes, like our bodies for example. well I feel as if I am rambling and I am sure I have made my point. Most secrets heavy and not good, some secrets wonderful and such gifts. Just have to be smart enough to know one from the other and how to unload the crappy ones.
Getting creative comes natural to me in the kitchen and when it comes to keeping secrets. I am thankful not to be carrying them around with me anymore. I still choose to harbor a few and will forever but they are mine and some still too embarassing to deal with and are not really worth dealing with for now. I am sure many people have atleast one of those. I am okay with it and the weight of all my secrets do not seem as heavy as they used to. It seems funny to me all of the secrets that we choose to keep though. I mean back when our parents were growing up look at how much was just filed away. Like my father for instance. His biological Mother was sent away when she was pregnant for him. It was a secret. It still is a secret. You didn't talk about depression or anxieties back then because it must mean you are crazy. Wonderful that now we can have children out of wedlock and we are still for the most part excepted, and we can have our issues and not get locked up for them. Everything for me when I was growing up was a secret. If you remember me back then well I guess you know part of the reason why I was so quiet. I was afraid to talk or say something that may hurt my parents business. We had to be picture perfect and squeaky clean. No make up, No boy friends, No going to places like CG's because it would give me a bad name, so much to be afraid of. My first boyfriend from Calais was a secret. I couldn't let my parents know. The rule was no dating until you are 16 and he had to be approved. My parents would have never approved of Andy. He was a rebel. Loved rock n roll, wore ripped jeans, had long hair and talked dirty. He made my heart fludder... everything I hope my daughter doesn't bring home. That lasted until school and we seldom saw each other after and another boy from my school was catching my eye. This boy was nice, a hard worker, a year older and my parents liked him. Dating Maurice was easy. why? No secrets... it was much better and I didn't have to make up a lie to see him. He ended up being my first real love. Funny how we don't talk anymore really (not because we dislike each other but more because of circumstances) how much we both have changed. Nothing really left in common. Sometimes I miss his friendship but maybe for him it is more comfortable that way. I guess what I am saying is that I feel he doesn't miss mine, and I hate being accused of still having feeling for him when I haven't seen him in years. Finally the Love of my life, Chad. I had a crush on him for so long, and the funny thing is I still do. No secret to anyone. Anyway a little off track here going down memory lane.
What I really am trying to say is life is way easier with out having to watch ever step you make or worry about what can or cannot come out of your mouth. Secrets I suppose are for those who have little to no self esteem. I am not perfect. My family is not perfect but no one is perfect. I had a child friend who stopped being my friend because he thought my family was perfect. Oh if he only knew. There is only 1 thing I have asked my kids to keep a secret only to spare them from being picked at. A lot of people would not understand. This secret for us is a happy and safe secret. we look forward to it. That is all I will say about it unless I choose to tell you in person it is ours to keep. I think secrets are okay as long as they are like, hum, GIFTS. This secret is a gift. A wonderful gift. This gift of a secret gives them self esteem and allowes them to look at their world as shapes, like our bodies for example. well I feel as if I am rambling and I am sure I have made my point. Most secrets heavy and not good, some secrets wonderful and such gifts. Just have to be smart enough to know one from the other and how to unload the crappy ones.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Good Ol' Fashion Oatmeal
This morning and accually the last few mornings I have finally found a love for oatmeal. I hated it when I was little and to be honest have never really have given it a chance to grow on me. My Mother; gotta love her; was not a wonderful cook when I was growing up. Her oatmeal was bland and that is what I always thought oatmeal tasted like. She is a much better cook now that she has learned to keep it simple but I don't think I would eat her oat meal still. Anyway so on with my oatmeal. I like the whole oatmeal, not the quick cooking kind. It takes only only a couple of minutes longer to cook and the flavor is much better. So here is the secret to yummy oatmeal. You need to add salt. Sugar is a well know definet but the salt is optional and for me a must. I also add sugar free syrup, and regular brown sugar. I love raisins in it but I have to boil them in the water before adding them to oatmeal so they will be nice and plum. I found I also love to add some cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. Apple is good but boil it in the water so it will be nice and soft, and last of all I LOVE Mac nuts on top. Oatmeal, such an old fashion food. It is a wonderful hot dish and filling. Try it again if you haven't had it in a while and you may find that it hits the spot with you too.
I am not really sure how much I have explained all of the physical abuse there was in my household growing up and please excuse me for repeating myself if I do, but there is reason behind it and you will understand better as my story continues.
Early this morning about 3:am my time I called my Mom. She has been out of sorts lately but is starting to act like her old self again. Nice to have her back to normal. She was telling me how a high school friends parents were getting a divorce and how the mother was abused. I never knew this. I again had on those rose colored glasses and didn't see the signs. I knew the man drank but never realized that anything abusive was going on, as a matter of fact I thought he worshipped the ground that the mother walked on. Maybe he did, but just couldn't help it. It just goes to show how silent and invisible domestic abuse can be. My friend never said anything about it but then again I never did either. I just stayed away as much as possible and now that I think back this friend did to. She often stayed the night at another friends house and it just seemed normal.
To everyone out there in the world who sufferes from domestic abuse my heart goes out to you. The beatings are not the worst of the scars, they go away. It is the lost trust, the low self esteem, and the humiliation that black and blues us on the inside and causes pain that never quite seems to go away. As children raised in this atmosphere we also recieve the same internal bruising as we watch our parents go through this, and even more so if we are also recieveing the wrath of the abuser. Please if you are a victim of Domestic Abuse consider trying to break free of it. I am not saying you must leave your spouce, although sometimes there is no other option, but some therapy as a couple or atleast individually for yourself (to help make you strong) or for your parner (to help them realize what is causing the anger so they can deal with it and get to feeling better). If your children are seeing this get them someone to chat with who they can express their feeling to in a safe environment. Please don't let your kids be like I was having to pack my clothes as fast as I could into a paper brown bag and being ran out of the house by my Mom just so I wouldn't be hit by the pots, and pans or fists flying in the air. It is scary you never forget and Yes I could see all of this happening as I ran down those stairs as fast as I could and it happened often. I have broken the cycle in my family. My kids are safe and have a wonderful life. They know this and I tell them everything. They have been taught the difference between love and need. They understand what is unexceptable in a loving relationship. One more quick thing. If you find you can't get out of this relationship or it just isn't going to change, talk to your kids alot and educate them about relationships so they too can change the cycle before it continues on and possible you end up blaming yourself.
I am not really sure how much I have explained all of the physical abuse there was in my household growing up and please excuse me for repeating myself if I do, but there is reason behind it and you will understand better as my story continues.
Early this morning about 3:am my time I called my Mom. She has been out of sorts lately but is starting to act like her old self again. Nice to have her back to normal. She was telling me how a high school friends parents were getting a divorce and how the mother was abused. I never knew this. I again had on those rose colored glasses and didn't see the signs. I knew the man drank but never realized that anything abusive was going on, as a matter of fact I thought he worshipped the ground that the mother walked on. Maybe he did, but just couldn't help it. It just goes to show how silent and invisible domestic abuse can be. My friend never said anything about it but then again I never did either. I just stayed away as much as possible and now that I think back this friend did to. She often stayed the night at another friends house and it just seemed normal.
To everyone out there in the world who sufferes from domestic abuse my heart goes out to you. The beatings are not the worst of the scars, they go away. It is the lost trust, the low self esteem, and the humiliation that black and blues us on the inside and causes pain that never quite seems to go away. As children raised in this atmosphere we also recieve the same internal bruising as we watch our parents go through this, and even more so if we are also recieveing the wrath of the abuser. Please if you are a victim of Domestic Abuse consider trying to break free of it. I am not saying you must leave your spouce, although sometimes there is no other option, but some therapy as a couple or atleast individually for yourself (to help make you strong) or for your parner (to help them realize what is causing the anger so they can deal with it and get to feeling better). If your children are seeing this get them someone to chat with who they can express their feeling to in a safe environment. Please don't let your kids be like I was having to pack my clothes as fast as I could into a paper brown bag and being ran out of the house by my Mom just so I wouldn't be hit by the pots, and pans or fists flying in the air. It is scary you never forget and Yes I could see all of this happening as I ran down those stairs as fast as I could and it happened often. I have broken the cycle in my family. My kids are safe and have a wonderful life. They know this and I tell them everything. They have been taught the difference between love and need. They understand what is unexceptable in a loving relationship. One more quick thing. If you find you can't get out of this relationship or it just isn't going to change, talk to your kids alot and educate them about relationships so they too can change the cycle before it continues on and possible you end up blaming yourself.
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